Friday, April 17, 2015

ah fuk
i can plan all i want, but if when it comes to it my muse/inspiration is not there, it will all crumble. Emotional playstyles have such weakness. beatiful n fragile :/
did i just fool myself to accept it, its probably early to juddgeeg, Just sigh, would be nice if for one things would work out ONE TIME
just need to fall asleep somehow, test how it goes tommorow. Its too much after daily work to do anything requiring true focus and skill, guess ill have to do it early mornings then to keep in shape ; /.
just one of those weakness moments , lose focus for a bit, and loneliness overflows zzz\s\a\\a\a\

typing this sideways barely reachin keboard with finger tipzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzp

make me fade is playing, its nice that i posted it here before, always reachable quickk

worst part is that its not even that hard of a job, just all those hours drains the expression pwoer by the evening
Its jUST NOT THERE! i cant pull it out, i feel like ocnsuming and spending money to compensate for the lack of that inspiring feeling ( how many peps dooo )
really depressing to realise how unnatural this is to me, really makes u want to end it all

sure im being really overlydramatic here, but its just all stacked up from years of similar happenings. Its never resolved problem ; 0

some years ago in situation like this, id easily get hyped up and pumped and do whhatever i can. nowadays i still try, but its so hard knowing you hjave tried so often and always faildedded

would be nice if Julie messaged me, listening to her day/stories or whatever would be neat. Need to get away from these negative thoughts nad focus on the nextd ay!!!

im grown so insensitive to failure, i dont know.... its terrible to not mind losing everything

how do i make this all into my own personal adventure and harvest the power of youthfulness, s omuch unneccesery trouble

Nah man u r just tired, try to sleep. Try tommorow. yes yes i will. Today you deserve some rest, + work can be done better, faster. You can get stronger too. Not even close to prime strenght of what htis body is capable. I kno its hard to s leep now, i guess could just go out. You deserve a day off on friday atleast. Think about long term sustain of yourself. No rest is unsustainable, dont do that to yourself or you will be like your sisters who worked themselfs into hospital once or twice, its easier than you think : s ... Pro tip, rest isnt watching shitretarded videos or browsing 4chinz, thats time wasting.I regret reading that crappy thread about women today, christ. Useless negative ideas, feel them racking my brains already S:SA:SA:Sd

make yoursel fade from this room lol, gogogo

that actually made me feel a bit better, felt like crying before. Not tears crying, but crushing crying. Just sucks hard having your dream constanly being tramplled by your own incompetence . But nothing is ever easy for me i guess, i always chose wrong path first or first hundred times

ha remember when they used to call me "wise", its funny cuz all of that wisdom comes from repetetive personal failures. Being wise is actually a sign of a dumbass or ex dumbass ( uh oh trying to make myself sound a bit better lol )

ah Julie just messaged me, time to move on. Thx for listening blog, i really didnt want to rant out to anyone about this, i do it too often already. Its soo annoying, i dont want to others to feel like a blog, i want them to give and take and focus on bond build not just listen

see ya

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