Tuesday, June 14, 2016

rage of thousand suns

What is the point of living if you are not quite yourself?
I don't want to change, you do not understand. I don't want to change my ideals, my beliefs and my way of life, because those ideas are the ideas which give me hope in the first place.

Sure it is possible to "change" yourself, BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I want to believe in what I want to believe, I want to live the way I want to live.

I am so tired of having to bend myself just to have close friendship with somebody. Everybody is so fucking close minded. I hate the world you've made, I need to disappear. Start a new perhaps?

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education education, perspectives perspectives, clear the fog clear the fog, set it all on fireeee


Reading some things about important stuff which I am not going to mention, but money related to be clear. Just lurking around after few hours of research, am on personal blogs of some developers/businessmen of today. They say some relatable, real stuff. Sure they are much different from me, but they look like good guys and are successful  Things they say are smart, and on point, could even say charming. Its motivating to get stronger and better, but not because im hungry for success or feel inadequate personally, I only feel inferior because I know that when it comes to Julie, in her eyes I would be valued as less than somebody like that. And it doesn't even feel like I have the right to feel bad about that, I just don't : DD. You either have value or you don't, and I simply don't. All I am is a boy right now. What can I offer to this world anyway?

These kind of thoughts come and go, but. Obviously I try to fight them. Instead of complaining about things "happening" , what could I do to burn through it all? Instead of focusing on the things, how can I focus on myself to demolish this all? I don't want to be consumed by weakness, I want to fight, but WHERE WHERE IS MY FIGHT, THAT IS THE ONLY THING WHAT MATTERS TO ME?

EVERYTHING WILL GET TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, EVEN MY OWN LIFE, IF I DONT FIND A FIGHT FOR MYSELF. WHERE IS IT?

This is nature of my life. I either fight and shine, or rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot rot. That is the life. Lets do it

Hhmm... Sometimes its easy to forget that I actually don't give a fuck about so many things, why do I feel like I do lol?

What do I even care about ? hmm...

PAINNNNNN :DDDDDDDDDDDd


I feel trapped and ghay and fucked and hopeless and aimless and like I should just escape or curl up and die etc etc etc.

But when I think about it where this weakness coming from and what would over shadow it completely, that is a purpose/goal. I need something to invest myself into what I see promise and future in. Once I have sometimes like that, it will go away. I had this feeling before, I just forgot about it. 



There are only few things which matter right now
  1. A path/purpose for me to invest into, a FIGHT, a BATTLE. Something what would help me participate in the society or at least make me a part of it ( money ). Something I can devote myself to
  2. Keep in check who I am, and keep developing it. I forget and become a fucking negative ball of shit constantly. Why? I never did that before, did Julies and contmepts negativity really influence me that much? I need to refresh myself
  3. Go above and beyond all this petty crap. After reading about successful businessmen, I know that, that is not the world I would like for myself. It just sucks to think that Julie would like somebody like that, but it cannot be helped be it true or not. All I can do is focus on the first 2 points. That is how my life was always. I just chose funny things to devote myself to.
But I am finishing this post up with a good mood. It took me 5 hours to write it, so its been a lot of thoughts going on... I want to try one last time, but this time REALLY REALLY put myself out there. All of the past things I've done, they were shit, of course they were shit. It was a teen me who came up with them, they suck. I really need to educate myself and advance my knowledge and wisdom. Lets do this seriously this time


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