Thursday, July 14, 2016

Childhood memory

There is one memory I always look back to from my childhood whenever I am thinking about "How to live a good life and be happy" .

I remember a summer day when I wake up, get up quickly and just instantly run outside, get on my bike and go to my best friends place and nag him and his parents to wake him up as I ride my bike in circles waiting to hang out and for the day to start. I was happy as a puppy, totally clean and pure mind.

Over the years I had many different ideas on why, what caused me to feel this way. I will not go on my past thoughts, cuz why bother with the failed ones, I will only forget what I am trying to say now. 
But right now I think it was because  of my friend. Not because he is such best person out there, but because he was simply my close friend, doing things and expressing yourself, only seemed WORTH ANYTHING if it was with somebody else. This feeling has never passed

Why do I like anime and games so much?

I dont like starting a game or starting an anime, because it feels empty and alone. BUT if I get into one, I cannot stop, I get the same amount of excitement as before when I was a kid. Because anime starts to feel like "friends" , games story starts to feel like "friends", trying hard and competing against someone in game feels kinda like self expression and "friends"

EVERY THING which has the smell/sense of "friends" to it, it feels GREAT!!

Right now I have a list of Projects and things which are relaxing. But I dont feel like doing most of those, because they are so SINGULAR, I dont want to be alone, I simply feel bored. I used to look down on this kind of attitude, because I thought it is dependant, and stupid. BUT IT JUST WORKS WHAT THE FUCK, IT JUST WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IF IT JUST WORKS AND NOTHING ELSE DOES

I feel lacking in friendship, and get bored. WHENEVER I make a plan for anything, because all of my plans ISOLATE ME. THATS A SHIT PLAN THEN, it needs to be the opposite. 

Be with friends/people, and even more importantly, BE OPEN AND YOURSELF. The moment you stop doing that, the friends time becomes useless.

If I look back at all of my life events, I did it, because of friends being there/being involved. All my highschool, I WISHED I COULD HAVE FRIENDS, I was hyped for the club activities etc ( there were none as I found out ), in middle school I had friends like that, it was the time when I went to school everyday, and had a great time

Yeah thats a bout it


brings back some nice memories to see Casca again

But that conclusion is something I tried and came up with long time ago as well, it didn't work. I just tried right now. It is not the ideas fault thought, it is my incompetence. I am not able to tell my thoughts and what I want clearly enough. Thinking together with someone else and expecting them to reach out, is too RARE!!! I need to be far more direct and knowledgable to get those experiences, and not just for myself, but for the people involved

  1.  Think, research, THINK SOME MORE, decide on what I need / want. 
  2. THINK SOME MORE, AND ANALYZE how to achieve that 
  3. THINK SOME MORE how to describe it so its understandable to other people
  5. Do a test run
  6. Polish it up
  8. Go use it 

Seeing other people just go out there and connect, have friends. Its painful, but pain is an eye opener

Been out, many thoughts, low time, so short version again

Logic = use it to maintain living situation, work, survive
Purpose, good feelings = be with people

There is nothing else. Find a standing point like this, something you believe defines your feelings and how to act on them. AND DO IT. Then atleast you are standing your ground and if anything is wrong, you cna update it, rather than get lost completely and be up in the air about everything

for too long ive been researching, looking for answers and ideas, but I never or rarely would just stop and DO SOMETHING, compile all my knowledge and do something I believe is RIGHT TO DO to feel good and live. I never really had the right answer, nothing was quite believable. Right now its different. I BELIEVE THIS IS RIGHT, and there is no need for further thinking about it anymore. What I need is experience and practice USING THIS IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM LEVEL 1 AT THIS, I SUCK. I MUST TRAIN. No wonder I feel inferior and isolated and in pain if i see other people LIVING. CUZ they are higher level, i am on the bototm. CLIMB UP FUISDFLODJvk.scv;dfdh

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