Friday, July 15, 2016

Long unexposed feeling




For a while now this blog became more than just a private, ignored blog. I couldn't go all out, but that is not fair to myself and to the blog itself.
For a while now... pictures like these, or anything what reminds me of a beautiful female body shape... it just makes me want to kill myself so bad

Why?


  • Because I feel inadequate in this life, and this is a reminder.
  • It is a reminder of my inferiority and weakness
  • It is a reminder of my place in life
  • It is a reminder that everything is far away from me
  • It is a reminder that I have nothing
  • It is a reminder that I have to work for everything very hard
  • It is a reminder that all I have now, is just efforts and luck, I dont actually deserve anything
  • It is a reminder that even if I was "privileged" in some ways, I didn't utilize it at all, and didn't even want to. My chances flew away
  • It is a reminder that I am trapped. Not just physically, but completely in this existence. 


Beauty is a symbol to success.

I hate feeling so inadequate. I hate feeling so unreal. I hate being so childish. I hate being so isolated. I hate having to pitch myself. I hate having to prove myself AGAIN. I hate having to work for something people normally have....


Or do they?/

....

I am talking like such a loser

But this is how any resemblance of feminine beauty makes me feel.

Feeling not man enough for this world, makes me want to kill myself.

It makes me feel hopeless. Because If I am not man enough, all I can hope for at best is a comfortable life, while i'd rather die than knowing that I have no potential to become actually masculine.

It is I guess how trans people feel when they talk about being in a wrong body makes them feel terrible. Being a man, but not quite a man, makes me feel like I am not even supposed to be here. I feel like nothing, like trash, and that I should disappear.

It is a nostalgic feeling. I used to feel like this all the time in the past and even have a post about it from 5 or so years ago ( back in UK days )

That is all to really say about it. This is the feeling

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