Thursday, July 21, 2016

This is good, but what is best in life?

Playing league of legends - pretty fun, pretty challenging. But why do it? its not that groundbreakingly fun. My reasoning was to have a project/plan involving it, making a good popular guide and tying up some loose knots etc.. But this plan doesn't actually lead to anywhere, it doesn't grow. IT IS SHIT

If I were to stop and think about what is fun, I could think of a dozen of things which I could get up and do or sit down ( at a computer ) and just do. But I don't want to, they feel empty and lifeless. I always brushed it off as depression or some other kind of excuse, but what it actually is, is my body telling me, IT DOESN'T LEAD ANYWHERE!!! DON'T DO IT!!! "this is good, but what is best in life?" this is what my body asks me

I could play Test drive and film walkthroughs, I could play all of my favourite racing games, all of my favourite old FPS games, I could sit down and grind a street fighter or any other fighter game to get good at in few years, I could play league and make guides and kick ass in top lane, I could cook delicious food sit down and play visual novels all day, I could install MTA and just drift around the mountains all day beating scrubs with my extreme drifting technique, I could aim to beat the classic games on SNES both the rpgs and the hard action games, I could grind tohou, I could go lay down under a tree, I could go for a walk, I could go to any river or lake and go for a swim, I could go take a hot bath right now, I could eat ice cream and chill, I could go on adventure, I could travel, I could learn a language . IT DOESN'T MATTER, all of those things feel good, but they all FAIL at ONE IMPORTANT THING WHICH IS THE MAIN MOTIVATION, THE MAIN REASON TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is

They do not grow into anything, they do not expand into anything out there, they do not connect me to the world of opportunity.

And I mean ME. I am bad at most of those things. I am not an extraordinary traveler or entertaining gamer personality. I cannot grow any of these things into something bigger out there!

There are 2 options. Be a marketer / support kind of person who takes ideas and grows them, or be a passion / skilled person who enjoys excelling at things and those things marketing him by themselves. I am the second category 90% and marketer only like 10%

I want to be connected to life by my skills and abilities. So why the fuck do I use my time on anything else? Being connected in life, out there in the sea of opportunity and life. THAT IS THE BEST!! That is the feeling of freedom joy and being alive and purpose

This is what gives reason and purpose to wake up and train, this is the source of all of this DIVINE power.

Just some more analysis and examples from my life when it comes to this feeling :

Back a as a super tiny kid (10years old~) I dreamed of joining a foot ball team in the city and playing football. Now that I analyse that memory, it was because I thought that in the city i'd be connected to life and I could prove myself with my skills, train hard and grow/participate in life. This is why I wanted to be on a football team.

When I was 13 years old, I started playing warcraft 3. My main motivation was to have a thing I could do everyday, something I could invest my time on instead of wasting my time on, on simple pleasures. I wanted to grow and train, be cool, strong, and become independant with my ability once I win tournaments. I felt like everything DEPENDS ON ME, and if it does, then I CAN DO IT!! I can live this fucking life, I am SOMEBODY, I CAN DO THIS, I CAN JOIN THE LIFE WITH MY SKILLS, and not have to do bullshit jobs and school which everybody says for you to do. I wanted to carve my own path, with my own sweat

Those were my childhood motivations for things. I don't believe they ever change, maybe in everybody. I always look back at my child hood for clarity and inspiration on how my feelings work. And in this case, it is true once again, my feelings haven't changed.

So what do I do now to actually live a life worthy of my motivations and dreams?
What is best in life?

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