Learn2War3 |||||||| CROWJAMBOOOUUU

I am a weak little lamb Just want to lay down in a little ball and die, be used for meat.  Eaten  That is how truly weak I am So I pretend, I fake it, I try to resist it I might even appear strong to someone for some time being But its only matter of time until it comes out in some shape or form I am a ticking time bomb Sooner or later, It will all be vomitted out onto someone close to me. Its dangerous I am dangerous to get close to Especially if you see my strong/pretend side only You might start feeling safe, you might start opening up to me And then it will come out It scares me, because I don't want to hurt others I want to be close to someone, its so lonely But I am dangerous to get close to. Do not trust me. I will betray your trust, I will crash at some point Still. I don't want it to end this way Being weak sucks, but at least I should accept it loudly and clearly I should warn others of who I am I also do not want to stay this way. If to live, I might as well try to ...

I think I've done too much and still fall back into the habit of trying to be liked by others. Doing what is expected of me, trying to find happiness in things that are not me Life sort of does this to you, it conditions you to become a "person" in the society Especially for the lost like me. You start trying to find answers outside of yourself, find examples to copy, live like an image of somebody/something. "Fake it till you make it" Once again from fear of being abandoned and alone In retrospect, so many things in life I've done were out fear. Cringe. And whenever I tried to call upon real self, yes you get abandoned, yes you get told - "You lost your spark" "Old crowjam had grit, was a genius, was X, was Y, was Z" But I am the real crow right now, why cannot you see me? This is who I was the whole time To be honest, is to be okay with loss To be free is to not fear loss I could go and distract myself with activities right now, until m...

      just like this pic, # moto life One nice thing about being in deep depression is honesty that comes with the feeling of having nothing tying you down You might think you are honest, you might even feel like you are honest (with yourself), but as long as theres an ingrained thought/feeling that there is still something to lose, you are still holding back The calm with truly having nothing, its liberating this is quite accurate One of the commenters on that clip accurately depicted it: "People talk/act like this right before they kill themselves" The calm decision - I simply don't like any of this This level of honesty, ahhh... There isn't that much else to say, I like it --- Goals, jobs, ambitions. Miss me with that please There are few things out there that simply feel good to do, hit me with more of those please Its simple as that. Life can be beautiful. Honesty helps, as it points you into the right direction I am so bad at living : D D D. Give me 5minutes, a...

  (shoutout to pintrest for helping find awesome pics) Dead internet, lots of free time = going on nostalgia adventures on whatever places are still alive online. Twitch/warcraft 3 websites, 4chan and so on. This results in various thoughts. Looking at people play wc3/sc2, thinking back on how I played and at same time comparing it to how I thought about my IRL and how I lived that. One common thing was - lack of patience, and how much it set me back in reality. 13-26 = stunted growth from all in risky play of doing esports professionally 26-30 = stunted growth from accumulating debts to all in gamble on crypto 31-present = stunted growth from all inning on spending everything and accumulating debts to real life to the max, helping people out Today I cashed out all my crypto to pay for my debts, it didn't cover it all, but its a decent start. Having investments and crypto is not bad in its own right, but it is wrong if its the thing that has to "save you". You naturally g...

  All of my opinions and blogposts should be discarded, or at least be taken with a prerequisite of knowing - I am not fit, healthy, am single and outcast of society for most of my life, but I do have a job (at least) Why? If I were an animal living in the wild, I'd be dead or a massive failure who failed to reproduce and further my way of life My thoughts and opinions come from a flawed foundation of a loser at life --- This doesn't mean that it must stay this way. Just as crows let ants walk all over them to clean them up, same way as cats lick themselves clean, I too can clean myself up and regenerate. Just in a human way --- Just if you really think about it, whose opinion has more value. Someone who has a high stake in life itself, or someone who has not? Obviously it is someone who does What does having a stake mean? It means having life be rewarding to you, a winner at life simply put. Those people want to preserve and protect life, because its been generous to them Whil...

"If you are so smart, why are you not rich" If you are so smart, why do you live a shit life? Why are you depressed, why are you struggling, why is it empty? Respect comes from results, from competence. And no one, absolutely no one cares about how hard you work to get the results, only what they are You could spend all your life helping someone, but if your effort didn't amount to any significant changes, no one cares that you were working hard, how much you've given of yourself Only the end result - did their situation actually improve "Not caring" is a harsh word, because obviously if someone is trying to help you, but its missing all the time, you might still appreciate the effort. Thank you, really, but its just not doing it for me, I am sorry. Thats what I mean by "not caring". It simply misses to have impact Same with relationships, same with work, same with life. Succeed, or die in a fire Take the emotions out of it, just think logically, t...

  Reading Watching Gaming Consuming Rotting Running away from life, all, but just different forms Common thing between them: Staying indoors, not using your energy Life is stagnant. Whether you read that manga, or not, nothing moved Your impact, 0 You successfuly lulled yourself into quiet quitting your own life Perhaps you felt like wanting to die, but at same time hoped to live somehow, so you chose the middle ground. Surviving, but not quite living Perhaps you say such things as: What impact even is? I am creating XYZ, I am an influence just by existing But deep down you feel like you are lying to yourself. You win the argument, but you lose the battle (for feeling alive) So what does it mean? I am here why? Because I felt scared and retreated Scared of what?  Of putting in effort, failing and how it might make me kill myself? When you put it this way, sounds sad that I am allowing fear to control me. Disappointing But what else can it be? I am just scared and tired. Tired ...

 You are your resources Looking back at how I lived my life Hobo grinding esports Hobo grinding programming and gambling on crypto, yet not cashing anything out Being dusty and anti social Was that because I am a guy predestined to be alone and grind at my computer by myself for the rest of my life? No. It was simply a lack of resources. I've only invested into things that have 0 pay off and isolate me I can recreate that life easily, and am recreating it right now (since I am broke and at home grinding on the computer). It doesn't matter how much "you change", you are the same glass Change resources, everything around you changes. This creates the illusion of you yourself changing --- Its always funny that no matter how different you feel about yourself, put yourself back into the same situation you were in before, and you ll end up doing the same things --- Anyway point being, I gotta improve my resources money time my own personal body resources (stop being dusty) ...

  Life with a suspended license... Relying on rented cars, and taking backroads home to dodge police patrols Sucks that economy is so low, my programmers wage isn't enough to live well. There are basically only several options: Live on extreme budget in comfort, but a boring life Live an active life, but accumulate debts and own essentially nothing, but things related to your hobby (cars and stuff) Grind and hustle to earn more to buy yourself your freedom. Modern day gladiator arena. One of the worst feelings is when your lack of wealth limits your ability to take care of people you want to care for. When the optimistic attitude simply hits the wall of digital, imaginary number being too low. Medicine, comfort, burial, much needed vacation, quality food, a place to live? Wops, number too low, you cant provide anything Don't get me started on - "work is literally poisoning and killing them, they won't last there for 10 more years", can you help them? No, number to...

 Hey. just saw website is back on. Nice, welcome back

I don't want to do it. I don't want to forget my problems. I want to face them I want to be GOOD I want to be HAPPY Soon Now Sometime at least Running will not change that. Lets grab it. A life that would make me happy Be what you really are. Only being open and honest (VERY HARD FOR CONSTRICTED ME), can lead me forward --- Give yourself a small goal per week. Something fun and that moves me along Example:     - pretty myself up and go out on a cool date in the city. Plan something out. Even if its by myself (lol)     - go on a trip somewhere (also plan it out) and just make it happen. Fuck the license and everything. Again even if its by myself. Lets take charge of things some more Live a bit more. Have some fun. I am miserable when I am not taking charge Not even a week. Every 2-3 days, since work takes up time. Reward myself with something cool after each session

  Some tabs I had open and liked. Here they are Thought of the day - I love freedom Hate being a slave Only solution - increase my power (wealth in this world) How? Work, skill up, invest like crazy, gamble Lets go gambling!

  Essentially anything you need to know, you already know. Your body/soul is telling you every present moment on what it needs, you just ignore it. Do that long enough and you feel awful, depressed, and want to die I am currently unsatisfied with my life. Its small, and the smallness makes coping habits come out out of laziness and fear to make a change. Its frustrating to make big changes when already being tired, makes you want to just roll into a ball and give up, or go suicide But hey, I am already on a timer. Death is coming for me, whether I like it or not. So maybe its ok to be tired a bit, to yearn courageously for the joy of living the way I want to Its pretty simple. I just don't enjoy sitting around consuming internet culture. When out of money, when suspended drivers license, when work responsibilities steal away my time, when friends are gone. It all feels a bit small, world closes up on me and makes it feel like theres nothing I can do. The inner me is crying out for ...

  Aries moods (literally me) carrion Just a pic Killer ram vs little innocent sheep balance this. I can only be either one. Never a mix. Not like I want to seek pity, but fall into it when I am feeling weak. Whats the use of it? I can take care of myself. Love self comes first I lash out when I am in pain. Kind of abusive behavior. Drama queen. Wallow in pity and want attention. Unchecked behavior which I simply didn't notice. Update: Or rather chose to ignore, assuming its proper behavior. "If they care about me, they will get past my ugly side". Why make things so difficult for others to approach me? Why choose to hurt them by pushing them aside? Why choose to hurt myself by isolating? Why choose to hurt myself by allowing these toxic thoughts take reality? It doesn't make sense. A self defense mechanism that simply sucks, is ineffective and worst of all gross and abusive.  Raw honesty with self, understanding, acceptance. A some sort of all encompassing spiritual h...

  Moving on isn't heartless, it isn't proof that your love was weak, it is simply the only way forward. Theres been countless times I am looking at the screen with typed out message, or have a letter ready to go into postbox and sent, but what for? Bringing back the past isn't genuine love. Love is the most important thing. I know I miss her, but digging through past is ignoring the present. Even if we were to talk right now, if she replied or unblocked me, if my eyes are looking to the past, I won't see her true/current self. Just doesn't seem right Its hard to feel love, to express it, while filled with broken glass Its not fair to everyone involved I've done the mistake of filling the relationship even when it was active with broken glass, my past traumas got to me. Still so ashamed of that, but its what happened. So don't repeat the past mistakes, cleanse the glass man. Let go ooooooor live in constant pain Your choice Even if we were to talk again, if I...