Zotac 1

 

 See these pics? Nothing else like beautiful/cute females hit me on my weakspots and my life views.I outgrew the whole idea of " SO SAD WHEN NO GF ", dont want to go into detail,but every lonely person sooner or later defeats that idea or gets swallowed in it and dies.Anyway.. it makes you look back at yourself

And this is what I see. A tiny room, cant complain really, atleast got one.But this is all I really got, my computer and thats it. Those other folks who are poor and uneducated atleast got social life of some kind. Still cant complain, I learned to accept being alone even by being the "E" personality type. But thats not about it, it goes alot deeper. Its hard to put it into words straight forward.. BUT uhhh.... Its like.. you ask yourself, is this it? I mean its not even bad or anything, I have a privilege of still living with my father, he pays for my food and electricity, job numbers a bit low currently so I have a lot of free time to spare too, doseant get used too productevily though. Once I do get a job, I'll have to move out. Still ok, everythings okay really. I dont mind this and that and its not even that hard. Tried strangling myself just to check it out how it would feel to hang myself, not too bad too. Checked the vid of that swedish or whatever guy hanging himself with ethernet cable, pretty doable. Everythings okay, no suffering whatsoever, no magnificent things happening, but its ok. Everythings okay. Still cant relax a much though. Cant let it go, guilt comes. Cant let myself loath and do nothing, but if I try to get busy all the time, guilt comes in and says I am doing it wrong by not taking it easy. By refering to myself by I so much, I start feeling guilty again for letting the ego run so wild again, I calm down, start thinking what to do to be right again, understand that by thinking what to do to be right I am already not being right, be quiet, some time pass, now what? Is this it? I might aswell kill myself if nothing really matters and nothing really must be done or I want anything or I want any pleasures of the life. Checked out some shit about satanism ( joyofsatan.org ), ideas seem legit, nearly the opposites of what Ive been thinking about in the last half a year ( ignore all the magic bullshit though ). Ideas are very pro life, pro energy to be more precice maybe. Its all about the energy in the end, really. Try being sick, all your motivations and hopes die. Thats how normal no-lifers just like me feel everyday, as if you are sick and you desire nothing other than just to lay down, but you are not really sick and after laying for way too much the body fires up, you feel the need to move, knowing not a thing of where to put this energy, you naturaly go to place you always do when you need something, the internet. Filled with this mighty energy you search and download books,guides whatever. You feel like you can do anything. Just like these songs, the energy flowing through your veins, you feel alive as fuck.

(machinae supremacy - redeemer album )

I am in the same state right now. But ive been here before, many many times. This time, I am stronger than before though, I got new knowledge and experience ready to kick out once times of weakness comes. Its fucking funny how fucking weak I am from my childhood. Not because I was some kind of "special" , sure I was physicaly always weak, but its same as semi-pro and pro in comparison. Their skills difference is not what makes semi's lose, its the mentality and how they dont put enough energy. Now that I skim through my memories, many things coulda went alot differently if I unleashed my full energy without retarded worries or "master plans". I always were on the losing side, with the noobs and the trash, looking up from the bottom. I have alot of first hand experience on how and why noobs lose. Its really not because of the skill. I wont go about that right now, cuz its not like it matters and not like anybody gonna read this shit anyway, I am writing this as a stamp to my memory and as a stamp to my motivation and as an activity to tame my thoughts a little bit. In last half a year, ive been thinking alot about energy. How does one maintain motivation and work toward goals and why. Not only thinking, but trying too. There are many retarded reasons why people do it and there are many retards who succeed and are treated as smart while they are retarded and completely misunderstood and are followed blindly anyway. No matter how you spin it, its pretty retarded to actually want to achieve something in first place or want something in general. Only stupid would fall for desires and urges. Yet nearly everyone does. GOd wtf i am talking about already. Anyway.. What will always come out of thinking about goals is simple, the action itself, the feels of progress etc. Not the destination. Once you read it, it still looks kinda retarded, you dont feel the idea, but its plausible I guess.Humans understand it once you tell it smart enough, but understanding is shit, you must REALISE it. Its completely different thing. But when you are laying on the floor, with 0 ambitions in your life, completely empty shell, going into the world of pain is pretty scary. Its hard to do the leap, unless there are some random factors which will push you onto it. ( aka the way most of the people who are successful got into it ) . I DONT KNOW a single person who was all like : " oh this shit looks cool, imma go do that all day now " and actually do it ) There were always outside factors like parents who put them up or it was the only thing to do outside ( playing basketball for example ) Its scary/unusual for a normal no-lifer to just jump into this. The best way to do that would be trying to kill yourself. Not to KILL yourself, but to feel the pain (coulda just said TO HURT yourself lol ). Cut yourself, strangle yourself, punch yourself, burn yourself. Break your inner barriers by outside force basicaly. THe more you spend inside, the shittier you get, mind is defective tool, it fucks you up. Mind is fucking retarded, its easy to manipulate and is nearly useless. Mind is something you cling to when you are bored and lonely though. Mind is a good friend, but friend is all he is. If you start feeling like shit and blame yourself, its a rare thing to actually do a legit breakthrough and go far. You might go a bit, but rage goes only that far
 


 
 Ehhh... Even now as I am writting... My powerlevel is draining so much. I went from normal sitting position to leaned back and keybord on my knees. All the spirit burnt off.But thats what I mentioned before. I learned some things from before. This "motivated burning spirit" feel is only a layer 1. It doseant really matter and this layer sucks dick anyway. It makes you blind and can only be used as some kind of tiny boost, its basicaly a nitro. You dont see cars running on nitro alone, its only a boost lol. Notice the BERSERK Guts. He doseant run on nitro all the time, he is pretty chilled most of the time, he goes berserk mode only at certain moments. He still doseant stop and owns shit up. Not that I mentioned it. Maybe the nitro level may be trained, atleast I guess you could expose yourself to it by self torture alot more. Aka mentaly raping yourself by provoking yourself or phyisicaly hurting the way I mentioned before. I guess those techniques are not bad. Seen alot of fatsos use it to get fit. But yeah.. in long run you need something else. Some religiousfags and similar minded people use the "for greater good or for good end" to get some extra power, its still limited as far as IDEA goes. Once you are on a verge of destruction ideas wont help unless you been mindfucking yourself with them FOR LONG LONG TIME and they will be on your mind even when you are woken up at 3am. Hm.. But what If pump yourself all the techniques of energy at same time. Fuck your brains up so much that you wont be able to live without bursting out. Thats probably not very healthy. Yeah thats a bad idea, very limited too. Its how most of the success people work either, pretty sad, thats why theres so little innovation on top, they are in their own shackles, and once you are in the shackles you dont innovate, cuz you dont accept your failures or something. ( and innovation must go through alot of failll ). Anyway. The other way is by shutting down the mind, aka shaolin monk way or whatever monk way. You see this alot in movies and similar, where the good underdog guy gets trained by oldschool master who tells him to relax, clear his mind, shut the fuck up and open his eyes and at same time have incredible conditioned body. He sees, he reacts, and he is capable to react. No need for anything else, all comes from intuition and your senses + experience ( which is automatic ). You dont hesitate, you dont think, you just rape rape rape rape rape rape, pure ultimate killer. I tried jumping into this state and using it in wc3, but Iam never able to relax and open my mind, i am too weakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. But that I is the past I, now its different I even if that past I was 5seconds ago. The I changed quite alot. Fuck i am sleepy. No matter what, I always want to fucking kill myself. Kinda do it oldschool, go drown myself or something. Should be pretty chill. Anyway back on topic of whatever. One thing I know for sure. To achieve true greatness you must do it peacefuly and calm. At first its hard to understand and gets mistaken. Its not about being CALM CALM, but calm and sharp. Second thing I know for sure, its about the pain. But as in loving it. Pain is bro. You know the feel when you are cumming? And once you immediatly lay down or so. Thats how pain feels in reality, once you let it flow. Would be pretty cool being ab le to feel your blood flowing through your veins.God wtf ia m talking about.I am not sure how to tell it, I hardly understand it myself.. But the calm sharpness i mentioned before. THAT sharpness is what makes you a killer from loser. And theres no better way to become sharp than clearing everything, cleansing your shit and then grinding through all the moves until there is no stutters in your moves, it all flows quick and smooth, it gets sharp then. Once you are truly sharp, theres no stopping to you. I guess its pretty fun sharpening yourself. Alot more fun than killing yourself. Sometimes I got glimpses of what it truly means to be sharp, it was great, as if you are one with the gods, and you are made out of fire, but you dont realise its fire, and its just great, you dont realise shit, you just do, all the juice flows, its great stuff. You realise what you were feeling jut after you are done. Thats one of the huge defects of bloodmage gimmicky play. Theres really no real way to be SHARP with it, its very UNSHARP play. Thats why its not quite a thing to play... Sharpness attracts people, I sure as hell didnt start playing BLM gimmicks cuz I wanted to be sharp, I wanted to be cool and smart ( its quite the opposite though lol ). Once you think about the wars and politics and people being mistreated at current moment somewhere out there, its kinda gay to actually want to achieve things. I mean wtf, how homo can you be to want personal gain when theres trouble out there. You'd prob slurp those dicks all night if you could with attitude like that. But same way, wth can you do, you are just white trash, all you can do is spread the word and make people rally maybe, but who going to listen to a white trash faggot, just another delusional kid who takes it in the ass. Sometimes just want to walk until you die you know? Just go hobo style , but till the death. DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH, its not that bad? Its pretty cool actually. But damn I forgot the idea i had when i started writing this shit, it was something very possitive and motivating... I just wanted to add some negative touch as a contrast point.. fuick me eyes hurt, as if razors were in my eye lids. Soaking your face in cold water usualy takes the pain away, but bathroom too far.......................................................................... whatever. Gotta sleep now, if I do want to fix shit up, first ogtta restore the sleeping shcedule and work dat body out all day. Yes all day. Nothing awaits me anywhere, so might as well train all day. And lay the rest of the time just relaxing, doing nothing.MASMDBAMSDBMSMDMASMDMA. Internet off right now so cant really post or add pics i wanted to. Gonna leave pc overnight to post it in the morning if possible. Pretty useless post, but what I wanted to mention at some point was the TITLE. Yes zotac cup. Ill post my updates on the train everyday, maybe a couple of times. Ill train for zotac cup. Ill become pro life. Cuz ive been at pro death already, and its no fun. My mind pressence is too strong anyway to just take my life away at a snap with no remorse. AAAASGRg
WAIT WTF WAS I TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY.................................................................................................................... Shit ill post this anyway even though its full of shit.