There are days when I can wake up and spend the next 24hours only working, only learning, only being focused on being productive and none of it feels bad, in fact its the opposite it feels amazing, the more I learn the more motivated I feel. All these new ideas, all these new skills, the world is slowly uncovering before me, so many exciting things I can do!
And thats good, but it is addicting, its almost like being on drugs. And of course it never lasts. I always lived with the naive notion of trying to "find myself" or try to draw out this state of mood from myself more often, and ideally constantly stay in one ( as I felt so powerful when being in one )
And then ofcourse there are polar opposite days where I don't feel like doing anything, and feel worthless and weak, but honestly they are not even that big of a threat. If you feel really bad, its easy to recognize and focus on calming down... Real problem are the days in between
Not quite bad, not quite good. 0 sense of direction. Guilt over not doing better, guilt over not having any good reason for not doing great
This state is probably my biggest silent killer in life so far. Negligence of myself, my health, life due to guilt, due to being unable to live when feeling "average", always pushing myself to be great or nothing at all. But what if I were to focus on the opposite. Put all my attention, give the respect to this problem that it truly deserves, to the average me, the "worst" me who is lazy, shitty, doesn't want to do anything, has no creativity, no great ideas, no will to do anything other than lay in bed and be salty, not even in a mood to watch anything or play anything or do anything other than nothing.
It feels like its basically same as training an animal, being rough with myself. Being smart and reasonable only works if I am listening, and when I am in this state, I just can't hear any reason. Its not good enough to make me move or take action
I guess its a loop. I remember actually talking about things like this years ago, just maybe written a bit differently. But I feel like its a loop that had to repeat itself at least few times for me to really get it, to get very frustrated with direction my life is taking, else it simply would be too easy to forget about it. Probably still is. Thats one of the challenges. New values that you think of are great for you, in a week , two or maybe longer, you will start forgetting on why you thought they were great again and then the loop repeats itself
Minimze the damage, minimize the damage , minimize the damage ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do I teach myself to avoid falling too deep?
theres no easy solution. Only thing I found that works so far is to ditch anything overcomplicated, to be extremely lenient towards myself, and to trick myself into starting things.
Emphasis on starting things.
If I start something, or do something, even if I feel average I tend to do pretty good or better than expected. And when comparing the weight of making a decision to "FULLY DO SOMETHING", and the weight of decision to " OK ILL TRY THIS FOR 1 minute " , the latter is obviously much easier to commit to
Enough attempts at "OK ILL TRY THIS FOR 1 minute " and suddenly you are actually actively doing a certain task
whatever, i go do some of that now, talking is a trap as well
And thats good, but it is addicting, its almost like being on drugs. And of course it never lasts. I always lived with the naive notion of trying to "find myself" or try to draw out this state of mood from myself more often, and ideally constantly stay in one ( as I felt so powerful when being in one )
And then ofcourse there are polar opposite days where I don't feel like doing anything, and feel worthless and weak, but honestly they are not even that big of a threat. If you feel really bad, its easy to recognize and focus on calming down... Real problem are the days in between
Not quite bad, not quite good. 0 sense of direction. Guilt over not doing better, guilt over not having any good reason for not doing great
This state is probably my biggest silent killer in life so far. Negligence of myself, my health, life due to guilt, due to being unable to live when feeling "average", always pushing myself to be great or nothing at all. But what if I were to focus on the opposite. Put all my attention, give the respect to this problem that it truly deserves, to the average me, the "worst" me who is lazy, shitty, doesn't want to do anything, has no creativity, no great ideas, no will to do anything other than lay in bed and be salty, not even in a mood to watch anything or play anything or do anything other than nothing.
It feels like its basically same as training an animal, being rough with myself. Being smart and reasonable only works if I am listening, and when I am in this state, I just can't hear any reason. Its not good enough to make me move or take action
I guess its a loop. I remember actually talking about things like this years ago, just maybe written a bit differently. But I feel like its a loop that had to repeat itself at least few times for me to really get it, to get very frustrated with direction my life is taking, else it simply would be too easy to forget about it. Probably still is. Thats one of the challenges. New values that you think of are great for you, in a week , two or maybe longer, you will start forgetting on why you thought they were great again and then the loop repeats itself
Minimze the damage, minimize the damage , minimize the damage ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do I teach myself to avoid falling too deep?
theres no easy solution. Only thing I found that works so far is to ditch anything overcomplicated, to be extremely lenient towards myself, and to trick myself into starting things.
Emphasis on starting things.
If I start something, or do something, even if I feel average I tend to do pretty good or better than expected. And when comparing the weight of making a decision to "FULLY DO SOMETHING", and the weight of decision to " OK ILL TRY THIS FOR 1 minute " , the latter is obviously much easier to commit to
Enough attempts at "OK ILL TRY THIS FOR 1 minute " and suddenly you are actually actively doing a certain task
whatever, i go do some of that now, talking is a trap as well
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