My "catch phrase" used to be - "BURN BURN BURN BURN" " BREAK MYSELF " etc. etc. many similar things in similar fashion
Calling myself weak, soft, shaming myself. Threatening to kill myself to myself, calling myself worthless in order to push myself forward and keep stepping on
But last year, I was all by myself. I quit my job, I had small amount of savings. I had nothing much going on at all. I made some friends, I went out, we went on some road trips. I just spent time by myself, kind of in peace. I was dealing with burn out from work, from life, from everything.
And for first time I felt peace? : D It was interesting feeling. My creativity, my motivation was coming back to me. I felt like I want to do things, I ad energy to do it. I didnt feel like I have to break myself into pieces to move forward. It was nice, it was new
Some other conversations I had back then, and recently. Also made me realize just how negative I was? Its hard to identify, since I dont go around complaining about shit all the time or nag people or think that everythings hopeless. Actually the opposite, I am always thinking how everything is possible and telling others how everythings possible, but its not what I was saying, but how? And how I was treating myself most importantly
Because no matter how much I tried to be positive and warm, I filled my days with never ending self torture and self criticisms. So When I would go out and interract with any other human being, I would have these internal negativity built up and it would sometimes leak. I was feeling salty
Then add some triggers that would make me feel even worse, and suddenly I appear like my dog was murdered. Depressed, sad, negative etc. And If I try to be positive from that state of being, it just comes out weird and confusing I guess?
How can I show love, if Im full of negativity inside of self? I never thought about this. I kept shaming myself and pushing myself to be better so much, that I ended up being an awful person to be around
So a new aproach would be - fill myself with love and postivity. Genuine kind
Be kind to self, then it becomes easy to be kind to others. I dont need to overcome mountains of personal pain to express something nice to someone else lol. Its so obvious, yet its mistake I repeated for 29 years
Love myself, boost my self confidence. Fill myself up with nice things. AND DONT SHAME MYSELF ABOUT DOING THIS, I AM NOT A NARCISSIST OR WHATEVER FOR DOING THIS
THIS IS NORMAL, THIS IS LEGIT FIRST STEP TO EXISTING properly
And then it will be easy to be like that to others too. I just dont want to become a negative source in the world. I fucking hate that shit so much, and I feel pity on people who do fall into that trap
anyway that were my bonus thoughts. Ill continue with my day now
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