It still amazes me when I open this blog and I read my old insights onto life and my inner world how accurate they are. (and how I forgot most of them and repeated some of the mistakes)
Its not all bad, I've grown in some areas, but its still amusing. I am getting gapped by me 5 years ago !!!!!!
Its been quite a journey after I stopped being active on here. I had another blog that was shared for few years, I had a lot of relationship up and downs (primary focus that distracted me from here for so long)
School, work, being abroad multiple times, working dogshit jobs, new projects, new hurdles. Made some dreams come true. Overall it hasn't been very successful and I don't really want to write it all down at the moment, but heres some lessons I've learned in recent years:
I am a simple guy in reality, I always only wanted 2 things:
1. something to work on
2. someone to love/accept me
(who doesnt? : D)
But if its so simple, why did I fail?
Well recent realizations and kind of putting everything together lead me to understand that the nr.2 is impossible for me as I am right now
I dont know where it came from, but I have so much trauma when it comes to sex and relationships. (Ok I have some clues, but its too private to share details of). With years I mostly managed to keep it together for the most part, but there are still so many little triggers which spark it and make me feel stressed, sick and awful. Each time I shared it, it also immediately ruined the relationship I was in
I used to brush it off as something not serious, or dunno normal or jealousy? I minimized it, I never dealt with it. Yet just thinking or remembering stuff about my triggers, or see it happen to someone else causes the same reaction. Deep physical pain. And you have to understand that when this happens its hard to keep your cool. Maybe a few times, but eventually I will slip up, I will lose control of my emotions. And when it happens, I dont think I say something, I hurt people around me and it ruins things once again. Worst part, no one understands or wants to. You were just mean to them just then, you dont deserve kindness or understanding. I get it, I dont expect it. It sucks just, because It made me realize that I am a cancer. I cant fulfill nr.2 right now. I never treated thsi problem within me
It was always somewhat of a question mark, but at least one win I can take from all of this is - I know what it is now. And whats my most favourie thing? Its exposing myself to all of the hurt and pain. I really dont want to do this, I feel sick just imagining thinking about it, but I have to. I need to get better
I think I never wrote about this before, but I had some phobias growing up. Its how I dealt with them as well. I used to have unreasonable fear of the dark due to various reasons. My solution? I would force myself to go to the woods at night and try not to fucking pass out from stress haha. Keep my cool
I would walk in the same woods, in the same paths during the day, and then I am there at midnight, try and imagine it being light. Keep chanting to myself - nothing changed, this the same woods that I like during the day, its all the same, notrhings different. While shaking the whole time. Good times.
But dunno this just feels different, heavier, harder to deal with. I'll try never the less, fuck it
I feel extremely ashamed of myself for being this despite all hte years passing. Not overcome all of the things I set out to overcome etc etc. I dont Have some kind of deep lingering regret, but I just feel ashamed. Because me being incompetent in the end ended up hurting people around me that I love you know? I like myself, but im not so full of myself to lament myself missing out on things. It just really sucks when you finally meet someone who is all what you wanted, but YOU are not capable enough to handle it at the time. YOU havent done all you could have done up until that point in life to be able to hold on to that love. Same goes for family. My family isnt that well off. If Only I was a better son, it would have been different, it could have been different. I've failed everyone and myself included by not taking care of myself and my problems first. And thats completely on me, and its okay. I will live with this, but this pain and shame I need to remember it and remind myself of why it happened. Be more serious
J Peterson is correct when he said - Take on responsiblity, its how you ll grow
I've been isolated most of my life, only responsible for myself, so I didnt grow as fast and as good as I could. Those memes of a guys rooms being just a chair and a TV, thats my 20's analogy. It was just me and bare minimums. I havent tried to take care of anyone all the way
Anyway
Actionable steps, focus, change. Dont lament, dont pity yourself. If you do, you might as well castrate yourself as a man
I need to extract myself from myself, and start treating myself like a person to care for. (I think I wrote about this vaguely years ago)
You'll already be aware of everything this comment will say but I'll say them anyway as a form of reassurance and reminder
ReplyDelete#2 is a warm romantic thing to think about, to think that one of the missing pieces of a person is something provided by the outside. And it's not entirely unrealistic in my opinion since people are supposed to be social right, so what's wrong with leaning a bit on other people
But #2 is that eternal trap of despair. People who claim to be experienced in this whole life-coping thing claim that putting weight on something that is completely out of your control, like someone else's mood or behavior, is unhealthy
It probably encourages you to never fill that void in yourself because "someone else is supposed to do that anyway I just have to wait". But it's an impossible void to fill since not even we're aware of what's actually missing, we just expect this other entity to figure it out and fulfill their "role".
But I don't know, being a "complete person" who doesn't need other people sounds pretty boring anyway. But I guess that's more of a reflection of just how much I hold on to #2 as well.
Hopefully #2 can be converted to something like seeing your own self as a pet dog that you would never want to abuse
To expand on the dog thing -
ReplyDeleteInitially I thought to say "to treat yourself as a good friend", but I realized people already expect a lot of things from friends, having an idea of how they "should" and "shouldn't" act, what they're supposed to do for you, how hurt you would be if they betrayed you etc.
But I think if you just put the expectation level at pet dog for yourself, then you're just happy for the dog when they're happy, you know generally what the dog likes and doesn't like, you just give the dog what you think is good, and not really expect anything in return, because it's a damn dog.
The analogy really doesn't make sense because I just reduced a human being to an animal with no sense of morality but maybe that's where you need to start if the self abuse is really bad
Ha
its a good idea, thanks for sharing some warm thoughts : )
DeleteAs people starting from the bottom, even treating yourself like a dog is great place to start hahaha
Go outside, move, get something nice to eat. Meet other dogs to play, dog is happy
Sniff new things
LIKE THIS DAMN SOOO FRESH AND SMOKY SUMMER AIR, smells so good, cant get enough of it
I dont know, all the experts always say dont rely on anyone. Thats the "normal". And I can see kinda on why, but somehow that idea is repulsive to me. Its not that I need someone to lean on and take care of me, but it feels like such a human thing to do to trust someone and want to trust someone
I swear, I will never let it go no matter how hard things get