mood
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Society good
Being out of society bad
book writing sucks ass
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infinite confidence, is most important. Unwavering belief in self and what you are trying to do
clear and defined actionable goals with daily tasks
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its just me again
No one will ever believe in me, or know me without proof
My life, my current proof? Its shit, its just how it is
I am chaotic, even if I mean well, I bring chaos around me. Maybe someone wouldn't mind it, but in long term this isn't how I even want to be
I am so tired man, and so torn
Feelings of love legit do not do anything as a man, they only make you vulnerable, emotional and end up in making mistakes
Imagine loving, lol. Enjoy ruining everything you love by being soft and shitty
"Fathers" love has to be different than this to work. I am shooting and I am missing every single time
I still have a mental block, a bit new one right now. If I somehow make it, if I fix myself, if I make my life better, if I become better, I keep hearing the same thing in my mind -
"I Knew you would move on, yes make the other people happy unlike you did with me"
Its not right to let this block me. Perhaps I am delusional again. If to be objective with myself I had a lot of downsides, and not that many upsides (other than being an extraordinary cool guy with an honest heart, but its probably not that valued by women). So I guess the foundation of "liking me" was quite weak in the first place, so after I do certain things which are hurtful, the whole thing just collapses. I dont know, I am trying to make sense of it, so I am grasping at straws
Its one of those things. When you end up hurting someone, its hard to believe the damage you've caused. Its like I am a living embodiment of my dad. Him and my mother divorced because of "just words". He would say harsh things sometimes thinking its nothing wrong to talk about or mention. To my mother? It looked like huge acts of unlove and disrespect and signalled that they are basically incompatible. And here I am doing same thing
Who knows maybe If I was great at everything else, my downsides would be looked past, or we would agree to work through them together. But as is now, I am not believed. Why would I be? She is scared it will just keep on happening, its understandable, yet sad
Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, who thinks true love will always prevail. That no obstacle is big enough, that as long as we love each other we can work through anything, we can change, we can be better. Just believe in me and I''ll believe in you!! You are my special fox, I am your little prince. There is nothing else
I know without a doubt. I actually loved. I found what I was seeking
But reality hit me in the face showing me - You are not ready to accept it, you are weak, you are undeserving, be better
I wont let this eat me up. I wont give into guilt. I wont self harm again ( I really have to stop this )
I will be myself, unfiltered, unparalleled, great, powerful
With age it becomes harder to grasp at flowing time. Must keep on refocusing, perhaps every day. Must keep prioritizing things, cannot waste it on anything else time is simply gone
I keep losing tack, I keep getting lost, perhaps even deliberately. I am prone to escapism. I am running away, I am fading away, I am dissolving
And each time I try to pull myself out of under, someones pushes me back with doubts
Reignite the fire, keep on burning. Apply oil all over myself and set ablaze. That is the only way I have ever actually lived. I love that feeling. Just me, ablaze
It would be so nice to simply say - No. To all of the things pulling me back under
Its actually quite crazy how writing these random thoughts. It feels great, it calms me down. It does the thing, it helps refocus me. I am finding myself again away from escapism. Focus inwards
I felt crippling sadness the last few days, I kept missing her. I kept being scared, wanting to be in great condition before contacting her again, just to face her and face immediate rejection again.
But its okay, you cannot force someone to want to talk to you. I should just respect her choice, I am being a burden I think. My romantic thoughts and delusions are still clouding me, but I always was like this
Heck I attempted suicide so many times over love before, thats how delusional I can get. I have to stop myself
She just doesnt like me anymore, stop forcing it man. She's just nice despite that, theres no deeper meaning. Just because I am looking for one, I keep on finding it, but you learned in the past !!! - treat her based on her actions!!!!
I will be reborn
I will start right now
I might as well include my personal notes up in here (reason I stopped blogging, I started writing on paper more often)
Start right now, or you will never start
5min rule - solve anxiety by setting 5min limit and simply starting a thing
Dont set grand goals, just pick some small things and start immediately without thinking too much
(I freeze myself otherwise)
Ideas (execute asap)
- round trip around LT on a motorcycle (7-10 july)
- same time enjoy some kind of body of water while at it
- WORK OUT HARD (now, lets stop being a weak piece of shit) *IT IS POSITIVE TO SAY THAT*
- get drift car parts, and fix it, go drifting!!!! (drift days coming up again!!!)
- fix daily (oil and smell of gas, temp sensor wiring, wiring for rear lights, replace tyres, wash it properly from all the winter salt)
- get challenger in LoL
- finish writing up my league of legends guide for players per role/team wide/draft wise/macro strategy
- ^^^ start making vids/reviews based on that guide to elaborate further. This will give me structure as well. And keep myself grounded on the vision for the game that I can teach
- make some vids of coaching/reviews for youtube channel (myself, others, can start with toplane, for example last theshy renekton vs jax vods)
- call maisto bankas and lets go volunteering again
- just general house hold things. I look like a bum and all my clothes are all fucked up, lets fix it
aosidjaldjalksdjaslkdjao jfdgnsr'[j'aht
ok lets go at it
just have to let the wave of sadness pass over again hahahah
fuck
Ill miss her
but the great crowowowooajdoaosasdad
the great oijasdoiasdi
dasijasdidasidasijodasijoasdijodjioas
does not faulter
as kid me would say
Do not fear, crowjam is here
my alter ego (carryyyy meee)
old blog screenshot. And yes I created FTP server without password for public access back then, lol.
saw this from 9 years ago, very true. I HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP, I NEED TO WAKE UP!!!!!, MY PAST SELF IS AN INSPIRATION
Tough questions to ask yourself everyday:
- Did you allow your fear/anxiety stop you from doing something today? why?
- have you been true to real self today? ( have you done everything you wanted/could )
- what will you do now?
- what about tomorrow?
- do you want to kick ass?
- You know your answers
groovy song, reminds me of GT2 menu music, good feels
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