Value of writing

 Writing a blog is fun. Crippling loneliness is hitting hard at times, dangerous thoughts come rushing down, but writing, thinking, talking to yourself is always an option. You are always there for yourself, you can always understand yourself, its a good place to start

Yeah I miss her

Yeah my life is chaos mess, with some rays of hope from time to time

Yeah I am more or less tumbling down right now, living in a trash heap and using adrenaline to prop myself up from time to time

Yeah I feel like I am slipping, and drowning in this state the more I stay in this environment

Yeah achieving my goals becomes harder and harder

But

Those rays of hope, are the reality. I must change, I must not let this eat me alive. I can't keep looking back and letting it ruin me. I did what I could. I truly loved and lost it. I know I didn't have much to offer, nor that I was that amazing at the time. Whatever it is, its ok (right?). Lets not overthink it. I dont know what is right or wrong, nor do I want to think about it and keep reliving it anymore. If I truly want to be my friend, if I truly want whats the best for me, I have to look forwads. I know I hate the idea of "letting go", "moving on". I dont believe in that shit, and it only makes me mad to even consider that. Because if you loved once, you ll love forever (if it was real) ((it was)). 

But that doesn't change that I need to be my own friend first. I need to stop destroying myself out of sadness. Focus on those rays of hope. I can feel happiness. I can feel good despite all of this. I just need to keep on moving and focusing on the good things

Kind of calms me down. Since I was in constant confused state on what to do. I really dont want to let go. Even though its been around 7 months now. But yeah, perhaps I dont have to. I dont want to change how I feel just because things haven't worked out. I didn't do a mistake to open up and feel this way, just because it didn't end in success. Its unfortunate that I wasn't up to the task to make it work, but hey lets just really really focus on being my own friend, living right, and keep this love I feel. Yeah it will hurt from time to time, but can't it be a good thing? Knowing that I felt this way about someone, and still do. Its ok to keep it. 

Thats much more my style, much more bloodmage : D. I want to be me, continue being me, shamelessly. Be honest, be free, be liberated

Yeah I love her, yeah I lost her, yeah my life is a mess right now, but also I am getting out of it. I will be happy, and I will radiate it all around me. I am never ever giving in into sadness.

I loved, I lost, but I will also be happy. I was given a chance. That is already something to be happy about

Lets doooo itttttt

Unfiltered super honest life. Shameless and honest forward thrust towards things I care about

Never let anyone, not even my own thoughts trample me and put me under. Stop panic attacks, stop anxiety, stop feeling like a slave. It will stop all of it, if I am simply honest and straightforward

Destroy my conditioning. Reform to be true to self, and fuck anything that gets in a way

lsdfsdfjsldkjfsdjf

Anyway just some quick thoughts, really should blog more often. Just feels like a lot of things go off my chest each time I do. Dont know exactly what to write ever, but when I start, it comes. Kind of how my life is. I am good at iteration and adapting, not at plans : D (AGILE vs WATERFALL mindset Lol)

I'll keep that "joke" in, despite it being so soulless it kind of ruins the rest of the post