I have this crotchet cat staring at me everyday. Its on a shelf right in front of my bed. I moved it behind a container full of pens, its peaking just a slight bit. Did so in a poor attempt to hide it from immediately appearing in my vision each time I look up, while also being too attached to simply stash it away somewhere.
For me, that cat brings up sweet memories, mostly. I don't know, perhaps I am seeing things wrong, but I have a hard time letting something I love go. Its so conflicting on what to do, since the owner of the cat in question seems to love me as well, yet my presence, yet my memory is causing her pain.
After taking long breaks, when we talk it seems like we both are a bit more like our past selves. Not 100%, but we are more warm, can actually share a laugh. Talk, it feels warm, it feels fun, it feels hopeful. But then bad memories come in and its all back to the same pit of misery.
And even if I try to somehow talk about it, deal with it, deep down I know that it probably won't work. It never worked between us. Talking about bad feelings, only results in more bad feelings being felt, and when all we feel is bad, its impossible to continue
I wish it would be possible to somehow just restart, to say - you know what, lets trust each other and try again. But after talking to her about these things over and over, I feel ashamed for even thinking that way. Since she is in so much pain over it all, to even suggest that its "possible to move on", makes me the biggest insensitive asshole out there
But what can be said? I just panic a little bit, I try to grasp at anything that can make things alright again (that doesn't mean lying btw, but the opposite, complete truth). I speak from the heart, I try to be as transparent as possible and open myself up completely. I am vulnerable and hurting each time I do too, but none of it matters anymore. I am just that guy who hurt her now
And thats really the tragedy of the situation. When you both love each other, yet being in each others company feels bad. I would never think that this is possible, but thats how it is right now
I guess only thing I can do is cheer from the distance if thats the case.
I do get scared about contacting her quite often. Like how I wanted to send a real life mail, but keep worrying that I just cause needless pain and worry if she even gets a slight reminder of my existance, or will think that I am stalking her or something
Hmz... Am I delusional or not?
Its something I struggle with. I can't tell. I try to see the best in the situations and out of people, so it's hard to judge for me.
Maybe when it comes to relationships I should think from another perspective - Can I make her happy?
Or just happiness in general. Since the times where I thought I am "doing something for her" were exactly the times which ruined everything, and the times I did something that would make me happy, turned out to make her happy too...
And to answer the first one - No I can't make her happy right now. Me talking to her makes her feel awful, nor do I have the fully comfortable means to provide her with a life that would make her happy. (I am not a super sexy crowowo with a comfy nest built to roost in)
And the second? - What would make me happy?
- Sure us just making up and somehow restarting. Setting aside the hurts and trusting each other. = UNREALISTIC
- Just living my life, focusing on it. Talking occasionally when the negativity subsides a bit
but I dont know... None of that like IT really. And even then that would be hard to do. Since even for option 2, how do I deal with the statements:
- you hate me
- you said you dont want to be friends if we arent together
- why are you talking to me
I look at it as - We love each other, we miss each other, sure we are hurting for a long time now, but it doesnt overwrite those positive feelings. Id like to be in each others lives, and support/cheer for each other at least through the distance. Somehow get through the pains, and it doesnt mean you have to get back together, but its simply knowing that another human being you spent a lot of time caring and loving, cares and loves you back, even if it isn't meant to be in the end. Just common understanding of that
But all these statements are iron walls I cannot go through
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I am tired of thinking of things above. This sucks
I dont want to blog about negative things, and I tried not to!!! I actually felt optimistic and positive in the beginning (listening to song bbelow too) while writing some parts of this. But when I started thinking and writing about the relationship, even when I am by myself here, I feel awful lol
Perhaps thats the thing. Talking and thinking about relationship is just doomed no matter what. You either live it, or stfu
If you love someone, show love. If you feel warm towards someone, show warmth
Going to replay the song below. Fuck it, I am not going to be negative!!!! I am not going to fall into these bullcrap traps!!!
I dont know what is right
I dont know!
What I do know:
I love her!
I want her in my life!
I hurt her a lot by being careless, insensitive, allowing my insecurities and other negative things impact and influence me and things I said. I basically invited negativity into myself and expressed it out into our relationship. I fucked it up. I was handed an opportuinty I wished for all my life. Meet someone warm and loving, with whom I can be myself. And instead of making her feel loved beyond the measures of this world, in some parts of it, I made it cold and crap. Thats on me, fuck!
I will hold on to the warm feelings, why? Because I want to. I dont need to explain
Okay me talking to her is bringing her bad memories and she cant do it same way I can. Thats okay. It is. But lets take it slow. I ll foster and grow this warm feeling in me, I will express it out whenever I can. Its harder now because of how things are, but its possible
I simply now, that I love. Ok?
And all this other stuff keeps distracting and clouding it all up, muddling it up. It has to stop. I dont want it to be this way. This sucks, seriously
Does it have to be more complicated than this?
Take this feeling in me and expand on it. Stop putting it aside and ignoring it to "fix" stuff between us.
If I am full of warm, it will resonate at least a little bit.
And thats essentially how after taking breaks when we talk for first times, why it feels warmer. I am resonating warmth, but then I get swept away into talking about relationships and negativity and I become partially like that too. I try not to be, but it doesn't matter, i get swallowed up
And in the very end. If nothing works out, you know what? Its great either way, why?
Because I lived how I wanted to. I love, so I love. I dont need permissions or reasons or explain myself. I am free to choose who I love and be full of love towards them
Thats just how I am. I simply want to be me.
Unapologetic self
Unapologetic love
It may not be what you expected, but its me. Its mine
So what now? What will I do now?
I will live my life to the fullest. I will cherish these feelings in me as I do. I will respect and stay true to myself more strongly than before. I won't let negativity ever win over me. I will foster the warmth and love within me. And when given a chance, I will express it out.
Just be yourself lmao (but truly, and deeper)
Being strong, being self, staying true to what you believe in and never ever doubting yourself or letting panic take over your decision making. Blogging as I do here and giving myself time to think and realize the truths. Living a healthy life. All of these practices would have saved my life, it would have saved the hurts from happening to my loved ones. Take care of yourself, and those around you will be taken care of as well. Its the number 1 mistake I do on repeat in my life.
Lets be stronger and not repeat it
And I'll just say it here once more:
I really really really really really love you Erika
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(some hopeful and nice music!!!!)
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