If I simply worked I could be driving a porsche even today after one year of work
I could have been "successful", perceived as one, by simply existing as I am now. But its empty
Focus, never let failure confuse you, never let it distract you, never doubt yourself, ?? never change?? (lol rly?) Only improve on who you already are
what you are now, what you allow yourself to be today, is what the rest of your life will be like
Couldn't sleep last days. I had a few decent days recently. I was effective and competent at what I do, things were getting done/better. My holiday was set to be at the end of the month, some things to be somewhat excited about. Not too bad, but the desire to just stay awake and be numb overtook me few nights. Some lingering thoughts, kept them distracted
Today it got the worst, made myself disappear. Once I reappeared, took a look at the time - its 4 AM october 19. Exactly a year ago I couldn't sleep as well, I was excited, completely other reasons
Hard to believe that a year has passed already since then. I remember one of the fears we had was forgetting how it felt spending that time together, forgetting certain details, how it felt at the time. I still remember, not all of it, but few key parts, and how I felt throughout of it
When I look back, take a look at the pictures, I remember there were some things which I did that made you feel bad and uncomfortable. Its so cringe looking back at my thought process regarding those decisions
But I'd rather think of the positive memories : D
One memory that stands out to me is when you got sick in the beginning. I remember how it made me feel, the genuine worry I felt about really wanting you to be well. Feeling a purpose of getting all the required things to make you feel better. It felt like being a team in a way. First time I ever felt that, its hard to describe. Like you can find someone attractive, cool or interesting, but feeling a connection and like you are one, that is different
There were other times, when we did those silly dances and seeing us open up to each other in that way. Or even the times I spent comforting you for the mistakes I've done, and feeling like we've understood each other. Which in hindsight wasn't true, but thats another thing entirely
There were others ofcourse, and I am smiling the whole time I am writing this and looking back. Its warm memories
but my hands get weaker and weaker as I type it out. Maybe its lack of sleep, maybe its the sad residue
I dunno
anyway
Happy anniversary to us, to you
Happy anniversary to myself, to the day I discovered what love feels like
**positive vibes only, dont let sappy crowo get you down, its lame!!!!, especially if I am myself rereading this in years. Dont judge crowo of 2023, it may be sappy and cringe and gay, but thats how honest feelings are so deal with it
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