Grindfest

 

 

Great song, like the lyrics as well (imagine listening to hardstyle for lyrics)

Blast the hardstyle, app release this week. Meanwhile we are playing high division tournament spanning all week starting next week as well that we been preparing for a bit. Have to make a guess on what strategies to run and be confident about it haha

Another meetings with the players to grind them into dust and get ready

Then team trainings

asd

Never even got around to finishing the blogpost. Life slipping. The grindfest hasn't been kind to me. Hey is it a surprise, its me and I am struggling with life balance. One thing that I am consistent about is drowning in my own focus, while I miss out on everything else

Today will be the big tournament. Its hard to feel hype about it. Many of the players on the team are still too casual, training them almost feels impossible. We aren't alligned with attitudes towards the game at all, and when it comes to strategy, it also isn't alligned. I already compromise in almost everything, but I just cannot reach them (as a whole). I can reach some individuals about what is good and what is bad in the game, but as a whole team its a constant never ending argument. Everyone wants to argue about me being wrong despite them underperforming and losing non stop by doing what they think is good. Its tiring, and I am not too certain how to handle things. Its almost like anyone who is getting coached wants to rebel against you, it doens't matter what you say or do

I guess one thing to take away from that, and to learn for me - stay simple and consistent is the best practice. My style of coaching of trying to be equal on human level, discuss the game, share passion for it, talk about strats, keep adapting and changing. Is just ain't it, it sucks. It instead creates an image of me constantly changing my mind, rather than it being a process of development and progress. Makes me seem weak, then I get constantly challenged for every single thing I say, rather than being believed for anything. How annoying that a replay review that could be concluded in 5min as - hey we didn't prioritize grouping for objective, but instead trading in lane and thats what lost you the fights - ends up being 3hours discussion and they still don't agree and think review was worthless

Samuel doesn't participate that much in anything for long time now, so it was just me, but one thing he said I just remembered, which sparks something in me - Coach in a way that is fun for me

I have to be passionate, I have to like it, I have to be strongest believer 

I mean I kind have been. I spent 12 hours a day on league for past months, while also working for 8 hours. Catching up on sleep only on weekends. In hindsight, should have spent less time and lived a healthier life. It would have made me more balanced and grounded. I am irritated right now. When you spend a lot of time and effort into something for it to be simply discarded its frustating

But once again, I have to be passionate, I have to like it, be the strongest believer

Set clear on what it is, preach it, never compromise on anything. In the end I am the coach, this is my team. If I am alligned and pointing towards something, it is most efficient to follow me, not the whims of the players

If team is sucking, if team is falling apart, I can fix it all, because I can change everything about the team. Same time it is all my fault

I have power over it all, is how I should thing. This powerlessness feeling of things getting out of control and I am at the whim of the players, is bad mindset. Its weak, and its my frustration talking. This is not power. Seek power, then salvation comes (much grand, much wow)

Sometimes its funny how english comes to mind in grand phrases, since I learned the language from fantasy games and movies

asdasdalkdmaskdmaslkdm

So what to do now?

record scratch

caught myself lacking, complaining

is that the kind of person you want to be? no!!!!

cleaned my room, took a shower, worked out, went for a walk, ate some good soup, focused up, did some work, did some coaching

life is good, I can be positive, I can be strong, I can kick some ass!!

sd

I miss her : D

its almost a year anniverssary 

Been living in a slump, then hype, then slump again, then hype

Kind of in a hypey mood now, getting out of my slump once more. Workign hard, working everyday. Feels nice to feel competent, but eventually there are still moments to myself where I remember and feel sad

And thats it really : )

gonna be me once all of this is finished, it will feel so good

Unfiltered post, each div dog is basically a new day or multiples of days. Brain tired, typos everywhere, coherency low

Hot fix hot fix hot fix hot fix, typos, bugs. Just sent out the build to testflight. But its not that much on my mind anymore, since I got a lot of it done previous days. Then what is?

Well... Had some spicy soup, went out. Its fall, and fall brings the authentic smells. Wet leaf's, morning grass dew, smokiness. Cold wind, fresh. And that brings back a lot of memories. From years ago, from a year ago, range is 0 and now : D. Melancholic, but happy in a way. That saying of "better have loved and lost, than not loved at all", when you hear this right after a loss, you want to strangle anyone who says it (jk), but after some time you come around 

I had a funny dream tonight, it was me riding a motorcycle during snowy winter, and basically drifting everywhere since it just refuses to go straight. But it was controlled, expected, so it felt comforting

Its funny how subconscious works, as the idea of riding a bike in winter been ingrained in me as "impossibility", so me getting a dream of it happening is my mind trying to comfort me by showing me doing the impossible, breaking out of my molds and beliefs, facing my fears

Thanks brain, it was a fun dream

Anyway, I still need to decompress, I am stuck in the left side of the brain, usually only sleep resets this. Its hard to feel, another reason why stepping out and being hit with the wave of melancholy felt so powerful. It managed to pull me out of the left side

I'll call this post done for now

this is the original song btw, spotify if you want to read lyrics. They dont seem that "positive", but anything about burning yourself etc. comes out to me as positive. I imagine fire engulfing me and rebirthing me rather than making me disappear. Its hard to describe, but fire is the original underdog. It is scary and shunned, yet its the source of life. Very bloodmage