asdjasdlkmdglkmglkdm

EDIT: this song started playing, and the lyrics made me think - literally me/relatable (at least the part about me being the problem lol)

ZZ~~~ZZ~Z~Z~Z~Z~Z~Z~Z~Z~Z

That morning ritual of doing all the chores and then sitting down and visualizing things that make me smile is not viable.

To clarify, the latter part isn't. Why? Well it makes you reminisce about the past sometimes, remember nice things, turn you into a sad, sappy sack. 

Look ahead or perish, simple as

Now -> next -> move -> move -> move -> move -> move

TIME SKIPPPPP

(double divider power, look how fitting they are)

had this playing for hours

^ related to stuff above and many things I've wrote about before. Doesn't hurt to hear about it again though ~~

sisyphus is my role model

lold @this. Was looking for sisyphus pic to add, and found roblox screenshots instead

This kind of cancer humour always reminds me of the past. Luggin' it and other completely retarded bullshit thats just silly. It all stuck by me

TIME SKIPPPPP

I am sick, I am simply falling into the trap of trying to intellect/logic my way out of things ( laziness advanced lvl ). My hormones and other shit is simply fucked, If I focus on healing and living healthier for a man, then everything else will fall into place as well. That all it really is???

If you are depressed consider this first: 

    - have you worked out hard today

    - eaten well?

    - slept well?

    - took care of shit and allowed yourself to relax from worries?

Its important to stay competent, stay sharp. Else you fall apart as a man. You know this, you just avoid it since you allow yourself to rot away. There is noone to be accountable to, except myself, so you let it slip. Nothing grand there. This is just how it is. I can say any excuse I want, I can pity myself or call myself heart broken or whatever other bullshit thing I can think of. This pity, this isn't love towards myself. At least not the kind that I need. This is feminine, it will not help, not in this case, what I need is the masculine. And whats that? Its tough love

Remember that time I set myself impossible physical challenge, that I thought I had no fucking chance to achieve? And then I did it anyway? On basically a self-dare? How amazing it felt afterwards? But what about later? I squandered all the gains and confidence gained from it. My greediness, my bad habits all took over. 

My pride is shielding me from reality. As it does with many weak people. We avoid, we shield, we hide. Because the truth is hard to hear. An advanced form of this is to pretend that you are not hiding, be 90% truthful, but subconciously hide the 10% of the most important parts. I am exceptionally good at mind fucking myself with self delusions, but hey the weaker you are the better you get at this

I guess this is the next step of crows challenge - attempt self love. Shed my pride, accept my weakness, help myself deal with reality. 

In a strange way it helps to see myself as a meek little sheep. From the bottom, only way is up, right? And its not a lie, I am extremely flawed. Not like I have to go around rubbing that betamail energy in peoples faces, but to myself it helps, like expectations are lifted. I don't have to pretend. 

Yes I am sick, yes I am weak. But its much worse to pretend that you are not, hiding, and thus staying weak forever

I'll guide this weak body of mine to greatness. This cheeky fuck will bait me, and try to fool me at every chance it can, but its ok. With some time it will adjust, its only acting this way because its used to this. I need to show my body a different way to live, then it will be my trust worthy partner until the end

~~ Topic change - what happened today?

Got a haircut. Life without a car, 30euros one way taxi to the city, 60 for a haircut, stop to buy rice and chicken and another 30 is gone, 30 euros taxi back. The pricesssssssssssssssss

Positives out that though are - damn I can look pretty nice??? Last haircut I got was almost a year ago, was looking more like a wet mop than a human. Accidently stumbled to some pics of me from 2016 while adding blogger images of dividers. With a nice haircut, decent drip and losing some weight actually look nice. Well 1/3 compeleted : D

On the bolt rides talked to the drivers, always a fun activity to do, can kinda connect to these guys since its a quite "inbetween" job if you know what I mean? No one really plans to be a bolt driver, life gets you to be one, or sometimes you just try it out while being from a completely different place and life. First guy named Boris, an ukrainian refugee, a simple family man, talked to him about hair (he was balding) various local laws, incidents with police from both me and him, trying to cheat the bolt system to register an old car, he also was unsure on what to do about accepting a job at a certain hotel and was asking for extra opinions. Right before me he gave a ride to a hotel owner and she offered him a job as a personal driver, his main issue was that he has 4 kids and he needs to juggle job hours and driving kits to schools and stuff, so being a bolt driver is perfect for this. Pretty chill guy, for a bolt driver/family man he was also fully dripped out and had golden aviators lol (might be another reason why a hotel owner wanted him as a driver, since its a fancy hotel. Dress to impress working IRL???? Just show up and shake their hand, look deep into their eyes might work too???)

On the way back met a lithuanian guy, also was quite relatable guy. Yeah he was 40+, but he was an immigrant in UK just like me and only recently came back to Lithuania due to divorce. And not just UK, last 18 years he spent living in the caribbean. His wife was from there (met in UK). We talked a lot about various local things, life abroad and stuff like that. His impression of Lithuania was that nothing changed in 18 years : D. Was shit, still is shit, but adjusting to it. He worked as civil engineer in caribbean, talked about a bit, sounded really nice and interesting actually. Building various water systems near waterfalls and the like, beautiful scenery, warm people. If not for divorce he actually would have preferred to have stayed and lived there. Seems like his divorce was amicable and the place left an impression on him. 

Did try to have a OK conversation with the barber too, he was ok guy, but thats the thing, I don't mesh very well with city people. The lithuanian bolt driver guy (Mindaugas) and Boris both were working class guys not from the big cities. My lifestyle has nothing to do with working class people (nearly), but on a human level, theres understanding and warmth towards each other. Since I am from the hood, and they are too. 

I remember growing up, I was told to avoid people like that, to level up, "I am too smart for them", to go to city school, meet city kids, go to university, make uni friends who are educated blahblah. But only when I went to the shittiest jobs in shittiest places have I met people who were nice to talk to. The sad part is that I have almost no common interests with any of them, but well whatever

Shrug. Might just be my imagination too. Just always seem that city people can smell that I am different. I am not one of them. Could just be too active of an imagination from being bullied over this in school lol (back in a day if you werent from the capital, you were viewed as subhuman, so naturally you try to hide it)

If I could turn back the time, I'd wear the fact that I am not from the city loud and proud. I can't believe I was so meek. Man It hurts to remember that one time I was visiting my grandma after her head was cut apart (surgery after a stroke nr 3), some city kids took my money(by begging non stop) and set my hair on fire. Man the money I had was also to buy my grandma some groceries and I lost it. I simply didn't know what to do or how to react, it was new. Very confusing experience. Also ties in into the whole I AM WEAK, HELP MYSELF talk from above. Sure I was like 12, but still man, shameful experience. If J peterson is right, then if I think about it and I still feel stress, means its unresolved. I did feel some stress remembering it, hmmmmm

Inktober drawings from coco that stood out to me:

10 is best one since it pulls at the heart strings, but also the drawing itself looks very cute and vulnerable. Makes it doubly sad. In both that the picture is sad, and that the author is capable of drawing it this way, means they felt it themselves. Can't fake that expression

6 literally me 

11 cute and warm. 13 too, but why does the long boy look so disinterested? Tsch tsch, appreciate the cute sandwich cat nearby pls

31 hugging and kissing is more realistic, cats can't have a license for firearms 

 yeye, I know its not funny, but wish cats would have done what was initially intended asdans;lknb

Well anyway pondering after climbing a mountain done, wheres the next one?

Keep up my dailies, like this blog. (more like nightlies)

Give myself some tough love. There are things I missed from the daily tasks (I haven't went for a walk into ancestral woods today, nor have I lifted). Its late, but I had a short nap in the evening, I am going to go and do it now, fuck it. Never allow your excuses win. Today or never

(past me would write 2 paragraphs of swears words targeted at myself right about here, but I'll refrain. This is progress)

Coaching wise I am stepping down as head coach, got new things I'll be doing in both team and in life. Set that as my mountain and lets go