heh
Mmm 2 AM eggs
Low sleep days... wake early
American pizza trip
Desire to travel when hungry intensifies. Might be human nature to desire to go on a long hunting trip
Been seeing a lot of pizza reviews in USA, looks exciting and tasty. Also falling asleep to bike riders doing cross american trips adds to that heh. Ride, bike breaks, fix it, ride again
Low energy to blog last few days. Bad schedule, work, coaching work. Social battery being used up talking to a special person. It was nice though. I've missed socializing, but one thing to not forget is to make time to myself. Stop rushing, stop burning up into nothing, take some time off and blog, do other things than just work and sustain my body (eat, sleep a bit), Before I notice bam 4 days have passed, bam a week has passed and I haven't taken a break at all. Life is just sad this way. Take time for myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop looking at the next thing, stop and look around myself. Its important. I had a similar coaching session with harun recently, didn't I? His weakness is to always rush, compensate etc. He like me is prone to this. We cannot help ourselves, but look for action. Some people are just like this. If there is a fire, first one to rush to look for a solution. This doesn't mean its always the correct choice. Same way as if you are stranded in a desert, you should acutally just do nothing, thats the most optimal way to survive, similar situations can happen else where too. Anyway point being, people like me and him have to conciously slow ourselves down, remind ourselves to STOP! Breathe! Take a look around you, calm down!!!! ITS OK TO NOT RUSH, STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put the laptop away, shut down the lights. Maybe just go for a walk, think, give myself space. Its ok, it doesnt even take that long... I become more me then and not what I get influenced by from other people, internet, work etc... I hate becoming that. I want to be me, always me, not sometimes me. For that I guess I need to spend more time with myself haha. Remind myself of who I am
The Place Beyond the Pines
I relate to both the father and the son. Been getting more to terms with who I am and my flaws. Same as the father I viewed myself as some kind of misfit, become sensitive around the topic of being "somebody" or somebody able to provide/be normal. When he talks about "being talked down to" when asked how he is going to provide, so relatable (yes Ryan Gosling is literally me lmaooo). Perhaps Its some kind of insecurity, but I dont know, my understanding of this isn't that great yet. I just always felt different. I tried faking it, pretending, mimicking being normal, even now you could say I am doing it. I am working rather consistently, making ok money, technically a productive member of the society, but I just got better at handling it, I still am the same abnormal crow. Scared of accidently deleting myself by conforming to the norms too much, scared of the question "what if this it it?". There was never a period in my life without some kind of "rock star" goal. What If I just lived, and I was happy with it? Its scary
But this movie made me think about it again. And more and more I keep on leaning towards the idea that "crazy rock star dreams" is a scam, at least in a way I perceived it. Its a bandaid to be hyper focused on something and disregard everything else about your life. "It doesnt matter how shit my life is, as long as I make it in X, it will all fix itself". Be it initial progaming dreams, be it love life, be it gamedev, be it crypto or whatever. I keep scamming myself into disregarding life fundamentals for some "greater purpose"
What if the greater purpose is just doing these simple things right? Its one thing I haven't tried. I tried all else, and where did it bring me?
But shrug. I am not 100% on what I am feeling or thinking, just processing
I technically grew up with a father. He was existing around. Do I remember much of it? No. Sometimes I forget when was the time he left. Was I like 6? 7? 8? I dont know. Do I remember much of before the divorce? I guess we did do some things. He took me fishing once, I didnt learn how to do it though. He taught me how to swim by tossing me in the water. We did this fun little thing where he grabbed me by legs/arms and spun me around like an airplane in water. Oh I remember going to the beach town together as whole family and he would alwways let me ride on top of his shoulders. Since he was tall, I was above everyone else. Sleeping in those triangle homes, taking walks together. Was nice. Oh we played football few times together, and I still remember first time we both were laughing together uncontrollably was watching Jim Carrey Pet Detective 2 I think, the scene in the cinema where he plays around with shadow puppets lol. (Our humour wasnt very alligned in other things). I Remember him taking tons of beer and going to the garage to get wasted in the car. Him laying in bed watching poliics all day, jobless. Him being yelled at by my mom for being stupid and doing things incorrectly. Being made to think of him as an enemy, then feeling bad for him, then the enemy again. (The idea that he was well off in UK, while we were poor as fuck, him not doing anything for us even when he could, somewhat debunked tho..) I dont know theres more memories than I thought actually. Its not like he died, but those times are so long ago, and even back then my father was just a "mystery". I only heard stories of his deeds, saw pictures of things he done. I'd spend so many hours in the attic looking through his old stuff every day. Pictures from travels, his old gear etc. See all kinds of people in his pictures, know nothing of them. By the time I was of concious mind, my father was already an old man who put it all behind, in front of me was someone else, and that someone I didn't get to spend much time with, or get to know at all. Nor did he get to know me
You could say that I could go and try to reach out to him more, get to know him now. After all he is still alive. But thats different. I am grown already, the roots were set, and he wasnt there for any of it (most of it). I probably still should. Maybe its what I need. Maybe not
These things just like in the movie make me think. If I had a kid, I'd want to be in its life. I wonder what kind of dad I could be. How would my kid see me, remember me. Could I be a good influence? Could the kid feel that I love it? (using It since I dont have gender preference lol) Maybe my experience dealing with teenage angst, crazy behavior and so on would be useful, and could give super dad buff to let the kid have awesome teen years instead of wasted emo years. Shrug. Its fun to think about, a little bit painful too since it reminds me of myself right, but its good. We lack something, we learn, we make use of it
That brings me to feeling like the son, the last 20minutes of the movie. Wanting to know who your father was, the good, the bad. Wanting to see what he saw, wanting to try what he did. Motorcycles is kind of like that for me. He was into bikes, I wanted to give it a try too. Heck if I do father son bonding in near future, I'll be taking him for a motorbike ride (rent 2 for both of us). Somehow I am pulled towards the mountains since the time I can remember. So was he, and still is. He had "reckless" (judging by normal people) attitude, I have to. When he started the new family, he wanted to go climb some famous mountain, everyone talked him down, so he wouldn't risk his life as he had new kids to take care of. Which is reasonable, but I also understand him. It isn't about being reckless, its simply doing what you love, and expecting others to trust you to be skilled at what you do, respect you. Just because someone is doing something risky, doesnt mean its very likely to fail. If we do dangerous things and we are still around, our failure rate is 0%, we are doing something right (as long as you dont get cocky here, you ll be fine). Its not what you do, but how in the end. You could kill yourself by going for a swim or driving in normal traffic if you do it wrong.
I guess I inherited some things, I guess there is a connection of some kind. Even if its not too deep. Hmz
I just really liked the end. Made me emotional. Go get them kid, follow your heart
I dont know. Maybe our parents as a whole can be not the greatest, maybe we even have many bad memories of them, but
There probably was the time and place where they thought and said something like this. Where they contemplated on what it means for them to be a parent of you. What they want to pass on. And hey maybe they tried and succeed in some things. Maybe a lot of it happened before you even remember. The end result may not have been the happiest family ever, but shrug. Lets not overjudge them I guess. We all are just winging it tbh, arent we?
Anything to do with son/father relations, often times makes me shed a tear (RARE RARE RARE). But kind of in a good way, you know? I see it as beautiful. Perhaps its opposite of "trauma", its a yearning of some kind. I should go towrads it and check it out?
Maybe instea of some kind of pizza trip in america (lol), go to UK finally, reconnect with family a bit more. It doesnt take much to go visit them once in 10 years... (time flies)
goodnight
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