Getting in touch with my russian side more these days

I've been reading manga again

Loneliness is crushing

Make today be differet, make it better, stop 

Treat it like a job

a clear process

clear tasks

clear time allocation

coaching is just another job

but what is my life?

there is no tomorrow, what is my life today

as

I am lost,

I am depressed

because I dont know how to fulfill these feelings

I am powerless, misguided

but if I settle for what I know that I can do, I am not anymore, its that simple

And who knows, perhaps the answer to that which I do not know an answer to will come naturally. Perhaps its something you cannot answer in the first place, not with thoughts at least, but only by living your life and doing what you can to be a postiive force in it

---

I got my peace early. Was supposed to get holiday end of the week, but I got sick with covid again (I think?) Family brought it back from work, is what is

Main side affect is once again, sore muscles and fatigue. Sleep all day, get tired in few hours of sitting down : D. Its annoying

some kids just called on the door trick or treating lmao

my mom was surprised by this too, just gave them 2 euros : D D D

Man totally forgot about this, nor has it been a tradition in these parts. You can kinda tell the area is getting more gentrified with occurance of these things, but hey gentrification has some nice sides to it too I guess? Happy, kids with families that have money. Not like back in my day. Back then I only could dream of this, especially after watching american movies, and thinking how cool it would be to get free candy

boxing yourself in

your options

trapping yourself

stop, think, free yourself

today can be completely unexpected, different, new, happy

the more you figure out life, the happier you will be

it is the natural state to be in, you just cut yourself out of that option by limiting yourself

pov from my old sleeping spot in ancestral woods

walking back, looking up

visualize situations that put a smile on your face

thats a good daily to do, a reminder

I laid there, thought about it, visualized. Common pattern in the images - me in the moment, feeling. Examples:

    - 300kmh bike ride

    - feeling of flow when drifting

    - feeling of flow when being the nature, free of worry

    - tranquility and peace of being a walk, listening to some music

    - tranquility and peace of waking up, going out, nothing/no one is expecting me to do some kind of favours

    - immense feeling of love and care when holding her in my hands, talking, calming her down. Feeling as one

   

and many others 

(*POSITIVE EDIT: OK BUT SERIOUSLY BRO, each time I try to blog it all comes back to me just missing her and being sad now, STOP IT!!! I can't be alone with my thoughts anymore or write anything, it all turns into sad moping around!!! You realize this, lets flip it around, just flip it around)

May seem "robotic" to be listed out like this, but I am just tired. After a walk when I return, its a feeling of deja vu. Be out there, feel alive, feel inspired, return home - it all crashes down. Sitting in front of the pc again, nothing changed (*POSITIVE EDIT: BUT IT WILL CHANGE I WILL MAKE IT CHANGE!!!! NOW!!)

On the bright side. Did do some things. Living quarters are now clean, all the shit I wanted thrown out, is now out. Found all the required tools and parts I bought for my bike months ago, dug up old pdf of instructions how to work on this ancient bike. Less excuses for tomorrow with everything ready

While walking around one of the thoughts I had was - programming. I am programmed, mentally fucked from my daily actions and mindsets to act and be this way. This isn't real me, its just the ends of being a corporate slave, a cog. Why? How? Well, every single day until recently I was in the never ending hustle, working, owing someone my time and my life. It wasn't all bad, but I wasn't really happy doing so either, I mean its a job lol. This would create the thought pattern of - "Get this over with", "Do this so I can finally rest, or do X", "Ah so bothersome, I wish this could just end" thoughts are all avoidant. Mindset of trying to try and avoid work, not being happy with it

Do this for prolonged amount of time, then once you are free from work (weekend/holiday etc.), these thoughts are now habits, so what will they do? They will find another target. Those chores you wanted to do once you had time? They are the new "work" that you want to avoid, those plans, those dreams? All of it becomes the new enemy, and thus you end up wasting your life. Rest is now shutting off your brains and avoiding doing anything. Listen to someone talk, watch something, exist, eat, consume. Tragic, really

Root cause - avoidance. Avoidance that comes from unsatisfaction. Unsatisfaction that comes from being passive, lazy, complaining about rather than fixing problems in your life. Weakness that comes from stupidity. Stupidity that you are born with and must wrestle with 'till the end of times

Being on this holiday for few days now, its been refreshing. I've missed this. Time and freedom to finally catch a breath and think. De-program myself, catch myself being stupid, catch myself allowing self to rot away

Wrote down my new daily morning ritual, executed it. Visualized things that make me smile. Some are possible, some are not, but is not the point. Point being, mental fortitude. Just get to it, figure things out as you go, be active not passive and things will work out. Its simple like that. Most important is to get yourself moving, and out of this mental trap of "everything is too far away"

This visualization thing is new. Before whenever I was in similar situation I tried to write down more concrete things that I want to do or think doing would improve things or bring me closer to happiness, but somehow whenever I wrote down a concrete thing, all the magic from it would get sucked out. Too much exposition would ruin it, it would also bring a new volley of thoughts/doubts - "is this thing X really what would make you happy? are you this shallow?" etc. And if you made it vague, then reading it next day would be confusing or not really tell you anything useful. Visualizing and not writing anything concrete down is more akin to putting trust in yourself. I may not have exact instructions, I just feel the end result and how to get there is up to me. Me of the moment, not me of the moment in writing if that makes sense lol. 

This is a new crow wave of thought - trust and love yourself, critique your own flaws and help yourself work through them, rather than shame and berate. Accepting self full of flaws, full of bad habits etc. See yourself (body, human side, flesh) as a meek little sheep, and my ego (soul) being the shepherd.

My sheep side, may be lazy and easily tempted, but thats how it was made to be. Body of sin. It can also come up with great ideas, and do many things excellently, it can be worth admiration. I just need to trust it to be itself, and for my shepherd side to give it hints and guide it along, protect it from wolves and enjoy the show

tl;dr. I need to help myself move and get out of my head. Once that is done, I trust that me of the moment will make the right choices. As he knows, he feels what is the path to happiness for me. As long as I give it space to visualize it, me will align. So slow down, breathe in, stop rushing

And of course theres only one truth - If you are smart, you will be happy. If you are so smart, figure it out how to be one else you might just not be : DDDD:DD:DD:

ssasdasdadsajsdl Anyway, gonna go do some things now. Kind of excited atm. Almost time to get my license back, fix bike in the morning, all the deppresso brainwashing is fading away, freedom. Lets go make use of it, stop sitting around at the PC