Sheesh, ok so to even get to spark plugs I gotta do a lot of other things on this bike. Its not too bad, but radiator has to go and I guess I'll bleed all the coolant then. Still gotta replace the oil and oil filter on it as well. The japanese man who made this in the 80's, really didn't want you changing your spark plugs often lols. Despite all of this, working on a bike is fun and easy compared to cars. All bolts just unbolted themselves, didn't have to swear, yell or beat the heck out of the bike for any of them. Pretty chill
It gotten dark now, and I ain't got a proper lamp, so will have to continue tomorrow (one more thing on the to do list once I have a license and can drive and pick stuff up)
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Ordered some chicken, now time to listen to emo songs and lift
They finally started delivering to my town, lessgoooo
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Divider test
See if you can see a face in the middle of the fire lols
Good old MSPaint, always fun to mess around in it
Its an awful divider that fits nowhere btw, but I had fun drawing it so fuck you
Either way, I know that I need things to do. If I dont keep myself occupied I will go gamble away hundreds of thousands on crypto again, or cross 300kmh and straight into afterlife. But knowing me, it needs to be blood boiling, something that forces me to excel and be more. Drawing, creating and all that suff, its fun to mess around, but it can never contain me. Same as programming or any kind of arts and crafts. I really like them and respect people who do them, but I just cant. The restlessness, the desire. It all makes it painful to sit around for too long, bad habits then start showing. To deal with excess energy, to deal with my blood boiling, I start abusing myself to keep it down
Once more going back to the idea of: "You were born in the wrong time"
I just sometimes forget, think I can be different. There is no way out. Feed this restlessness, its part of me. All of the parts that make me cool, came from it
Aren't those moments of happiness I visualize all play into the restlessness in some way?
Pouring myself into something
Hey wasn't that my dream from the pre teen years. Dream to have something to pour myself into. Every. Single. Day
To not care, to let go, to obssess, to drown, to burn
Happy memories
If I just sit there, if I allow myself to idle and overthink, it will always be the same continued cycle. Break it, keep myself busy with lovely things
Feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel
Move move move move move move move move move move move move
act act act act act act
feel some more
act act act act
So what now? Well I have to put myself to sleep somehow, or what do one of the crow classics and stay up all night? What go fix my bike in pitch darkness? lul. Get business done at 2AM? Try to sleep, be reasonable
I swear. I am getting my license back and I am leaving the country on a ride. I will just get in a car(its winter...) and drive for 20hours in a direction. Find a place to sleep, and do it again next day
When life slowed down and I am just sitting here on my "holiday", only thing it makes you realize is how small your life is. How little you matter and how alone you are. No real point to be made there, just how it is. In some ways its sad, in some ways its liberating. Nothing is tying me down, I can just get up and leave. Be somewhere else, be something else
Thats peak crow blogging btw. Every other sentence is a contradiction
Its called internal turmoil, dont judge me (lol)
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But really what now?
Its the same, go to sleep
Wake up early
Keep todays experience in mind
Keep myself moving
Get my bike on the road
Grab a guitar and start jamming
Stay away from PC as much as possible
Start moving my life away from being in doors as much as possible. ITS CRUCIAL!!!!!
Start minimizing possessions, imagine packing and leaving, what do I take?
How can I live and function with those possessions and not the others?
Sell and throw away everything else? Or store it safely
Thats the thing, this mental blocker of "not knowing what to do", is the same as when fixing a bike or fixing a car or tackling a complicated programming task, or writing a blog post
You will never know what to do unless you throw yourself at it and trust yourself to figure it out one step at a time. It will obviously be done with mistakes, but you'll learn. Believe in yourself
Same with life. I cannot stand living like this, I need to be out, but I am scared since its new to me. Well just grab what I need and try it out. Its how everything is
The times when I thought about how it would be being a father, its the same. I have no idea, its scary, but with a right partner it seemed doable. Since we could just figure it out
Bullseye. Its all it is. Fear. Fear is keeping me away, its slippery and looks to find any possible way to keep me from changing. Will you let it get away? If I put a spotlight on it, I realize how pathetic and gay (in a lame way) it is. Do you want to waste your life away because you are scared? LOL!
Lets keep the promises minimal, not because I am scared I wont pull through, but to keep myself from overthinking and distracting myself. Just say whats next and get that done, no distractions or noise. Once its done lets move to next thing, or sit around writing/visualizing/thinking for a day until I get an idea. Who knows it might be shit idea, it might be great idea, but I need to build this grit, this will power to just get an idea and fearlessly charge at it. I want to be that kind of person, it seems liberating. Id rather be liberated like that over anything that I am now
And sure somewhat been moving into that direction over last years, but I am not satisfied, its too slow. Lets jump few steps forwards
Lets put myself to sleep, wake up with tons of sunlight left, and get my bike running no matter what, tomorrow. Objective, ride it tomorrow, at least around the town for a trial run, or down the forest paths
Am I sure that I can do this? Dunno, but I'll figure it out. I'll rebuild it all if I have to, fuck you fear. Worst case bike explodes, wheels fall off and I break my arms, whatever, can manage
No more waiting!!! Dailies into bike, into ??????????? (dont worry about it)
goodnight
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