On ???

 It never quite sits straight with me, no matter how much I try to repeat it over and over and over and over - The whole living for your own happiness, seeking whats best for yourself blahblahblah

I try, I mean I have to, since I have nothing else, but myself

But man....... There are times I can fool myself or pretend to be ok with it.... 

I don't know. Maybe I am just stupid, naive dreamer (other words: delusional). But ah does it not feel so right, so beautiful to have something to live for. Something beyond you

I look back on this periodically. Trying to figure it out. Whether its my weakness just trying to keep me from changing and finding any sleazy way it can to get to me, or I am just born impressionable and retarded and a military recruiter would have loved me 100 years ago and sent me off to die (how did my genes survive until now then???). I have no answer, I only know that its a constant pull towards me, a calling of sorts

To take all I am, all I have and throw it all at a cause, at a person, at a feeling

Rather than thinking what would make me happy, how to live a balanced and content life, I should be telling myself - what can I sacrifice myself for, what can I throw myself at 

My brain only understands pain?

Nah I am being overly dramatic, no way. I've felt love, I felt happy. I did want it all to simply last forever, none of that pain and sacrifice bs

Another thing to improve with my daily blogging is to watch out for overly hyping myself up and getting carried away. I want to be authentic self and overly hyped me isn't truly me. I'll get better

Honestly, I just got too much time on my hands. Here I am laying in bed for last several hours, listening to music. How can I not start overthinking and overcomplicating everything?

The other day laying around in the forest looking up at the sky for an hour, set up a hot bath to lay in today. At those times could just disappear and relax, none of this shit was bothering me. The times I was cruising on a bike, same thing. The times I held her <-- Stop the sappy shit again, interruption!!!

Point being that I do not have to give into these thoughts and feelings. I've felt and thought about these same things for years, shit scroll back to my ramblings from 8 years ago and it was more or less the same. I actually remember 2013ish, taking a walk in germany and having the same "sacrifice" conversation in my head, got me hyped, but what did that amount to? huh? 

Do not make things complicated for myself. Control this insanity. Lets learn from my past and actually make my life be solid rather than crazy fever dream. You know that you can, you just refuse to. I don't have to overthink. 

Yeah sure today wasn't the best day. It had some chill moments, and I did take a break overall. Did I feel fulfilled, no not really, but it doesn't have anything to do with any kind of soul searching. Just take more action tomorrow, try and live a fuller life, take it a step at a time. You do know that you are just lonely and bored? Keep busy and it will be alright. Stay overthinking and you might just go and kill yourself some day lol.. nah not gonna do it

Writing all this helps, doesn't it? It does it does. Suppose we all are dealing with some kind of insanity within us and holding it in will only lead to a boil over. Be your own friend. If you are not happy, if you are not motivated = theres something wrong, but that doesn't mean that theres some kind of concrete solution to this problem. Sometimes you just need to give yourself time, space, and talk to yourself for a bit. Be gentle 

Its hard to be very coherent. The last few blogposts are like my classic posts, fever dreams before falling asleep. Close my eyes and just type. Though I do look back every few sentences to check for grammar mistakes, thats an improvement from 10 years ago lols. Heh back then I'd even write half of it in lithuanian and not even clean, but rather trashy street version kind which is simply untranslatable. Be lithuanian or you ll never get it. It was done since  back then I had some shame, I was scared that someone will randomly get on this website, read my thoughts and make fun of me. How the times have changed. This website is much easier to reach now than it was back then, and I have much more to lose, yet I am just typing away anyway. Why its public? Don't really feel like hiding it. Initially I never wanted to hide anything on the internet, but was simply too shy. Somehow was always hoping that my writings would land in someones lap who would appreciate it. And maybe it did, maybe it didn't. Not like any of these writings are that special anyway, I am not delusional, these aren't a masterpiece, its just simple thoughts of mine. Just a guy out there from a small place. And hey maybe you are just a guy out there from a small place too, and for some goddamn reason you are spending your evenings reading my deep dark thoughts (no homo, or yes homo?), and thats kinda cool and special in a weird, but likeable way

Shrug

Slight topic change. Just a thought that crosses my mind - I get these heartaches from time to time, been a condition since teen years. Its nothing serious, and its probably nothing, but it being a heart it still comes with a thought - what if I were to die, ehh dunno today? tomorrow? in a year? in 5 years? in 10 years? And I am not trying to be a downer about it, but rather putting finality in the perspective. Force yourself to focus up and truly think. Its a game we used to play in middle school with friends as well, talking about death, the usual "what if" games. What if you had cancer and die in 6 months? Would you still be doing X? etc. - So what then? How would you live? How would my daily life look like? Would I change anything?. If I were to die right now, what would I have regretted not doing yesterday?(today)

The answers hold truths. Any of these questions I can answer right now? Surely, I already did in my head just now, a few things popped up immediately, no hesi

But I also just took a bite of a sandwich and my hands are greasy. It is the truth, but I also am getting shy. Or is this a convenient time to excuse myself and go to sleep? Avoid taking responsibility for my own life, dodge my own deductions and criticisms as if I lay them out, I'll be forcing myself to take accountability. Am I willing to hear the truth?

Yes

Its just the answers are sad. Even if I was dying today, I guess I wouldn't do a thing about it. A thought of contacting her and talking. No idea about what. But then counter thoughts - why would you implant yourself in someones life if tomorrow you'll die. Especially since the time that has passed now, time full of confusion and back and forth within, it only now has started to slowly sink in that its over. But for her, she already went through this before, and buried it, simply wouldn't be fair

Kind of sad really. As its a reminder that my existance was a stain, I would be a bad memory

Its normal I guess, not being dramatic about it. I really gotta shift my focus on other things, its just this is important to me, hence it keeps popping up. I swear I think and do other things : D D

Maybe truly the sad revelation is that a girl I talked to in total for few months (breaks excluded), is my go to person to talk to before dying. Hey you are not helping, now you are all "boo ho, but she was important" asdaf. Dont do this man, dont turn it all sappy again. it brings this weakness in my hadns, cant enve type anymore wjhatever

On positive note: eeehhh Weather was nice out today. And human nature is funny, since that actually made me laugh