Well... Things worked out I suppose. Everyones health is fine, crisis averted. Time to live on
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Can't fall asleep might as well blog rather than wait until I am rested (as usual)
Last year I didn't work, I quit due to burn out. This year I am working from the very beginning, double the jobs actually. I became more confident, I feel better about myself, my perception of potential futures has changed, how I carry myself has changed. There is no hidden shame. If someone is in trouble, I can help, I want to help. When it comes to plans, I don't have to talk about them as some kind of far away endeavor, I can just go and grab the opportunity right away. I have the means. I can be like I want to be, just go and act. I don't have to be meek, I don't have to plan and budget every grain of rice, can just live
Its not sudden change, its gradual for sure, but I like it. Some years back at my previous job, I didn't like what it was turning me into. But perhaps I was just too inexperienced or in a bad place at life, didn't make use of the gifts of being a competent and employed person. I over relied on money to feel things, I didn't have energy or time to do anything I enjoyed. Only buying things made me feel anything, since its the only thing I had time for ~~
It must be like this with other things as well. If you live in a nice place, in a clean room, eat good food and not just calories to sustain yourself, if you allow yourself to do "useless" things like going for a walk or drive for fun, if you allow yourself to "waste time" by taking a bath instead of a shower, or go for a swim in a pool and a sauna. Drive a non economic car, just because its more enjoyable this way. All these things add up and overtime make you feel like a winner, and in turn you start acting like one. And once you do, you simply feel content (I suppose)
Isn't that what I wanted to achieve, isn't that what self love is? Giving myself space, time. Trusting that me within is my ally and will sort everything out, just trust him and live proper
Rather than my old ideologies of thinking I have to risk it all, gamble and burn myself to the crisp at some crazy stupid goal. Because deep down I feel like I am not good enough, and to compensate I must risk more than others
Might be late night feels, but I like it. Feels strong. Not like one of those fake gunhooo ideas that turn into vapor next day, groundless/baseless, did not stand through a trial of fire, crumble at first confrontation. These ideas been circulating for a while, and see glimpses of those ideas out there in other peoples minds. It just works
Shed the stubborness and see things for what they are. If something is simply working, why hate it, why discard it. There are not enough of wise and happy people out there, why not be one, why rebel against whats good?
Makes sense
Not like my life is fully operational and running smoothly, but last few days been much more at peace with what it is and where its going. Some tweaks to do, sure, but almost there
I've always been like this. Being the worst, being awful at all I do until I try out all the wrong things, check every corner and make tons of mistakes. Until bam, a moment of clarity - I get it now. And then I become a become extremely focused, brain ridges deepen, electrons in the brains fire at max capacity and simply perform. Suppose same goes for me and my understanding of general life and what to focus on, its starting to click, clarity is just around the corner. Feels good honestly, exciting
To focus a little bit on the negative, some things I should think and figure out, or I guess have more practice on is - communicating more honestly
I still have too much of this looming dark shadow over me that stresses me out whenever I socialize or try to express myself w people. It makes me feel worthless and like I have to pretend to be some other version of myself. I try and try to be honest and as authentic as I can be, but the looming shadow censors me or ridicules me, making me stop, making me hesitate. I hate that. That is not me
This is just bad habits. Yea sure I am soon 30, but this looming shadow is just boyhood. As a grown man you have to be able to stand proud and represent yourself fearlessly, I haven't fully developed into that yet. My growth was stunted from too little of exposure to this due to various computer/internet time sinks, but the reason isn't really important, the fact is, this is the situation, now have to deal with it
I should be able to walk up on a stage and talk about whatever I think is true, correct and important without a single thought or feeling of shame for who I am. If I truly am ashamed of myself for something, then change myself, else accept it and wear it proud. Don't be inbetween, a noodle
Each social interraction is an opportuinty to test myself, how free do I feel, am I censoring myself, how well do I know myself, how well am I able to articulate who I am. Its all a skill, a great one
Heh reminded me of year back playing VRChat for first time and joining this "Speed matching" where you would go into a room and match up with random people and talk to them on a timer, try to get to know each other. That truly was a test hahaha. *Reminder* add a screensfrom from that time, its on my windows PC pictures folder
me in the middle (shota)
I also do not know how to handle certain feelings right now. What is correct to do, no idea. My original thought process would be to just be honest and deal with it in a conversation, but that has backfired so many times, that its hard to trust that idea anymore. Backfired in a way that my honesty was perceived as negativity, rather than a dialogue starter. When its just me, I can take anything, but when it isn't just me.. Do I have the right to be honest, to take a risky shot, if it might hurt another person? (who I care for). Similar to the thought some blogposts back, about feeling of invading someones life before you die by wanting to talk to them. What right do I have to impose myself? It is kind of selfish, but I want to do it? I think it should be done. Or am I just being "crazy" again?
I really dunno. I am not good at solving these puzzles. What If I dont have to? What if there is nothing to solve. And my past failures with honesty, wasnt honesty's fault, it was how I delivered it
Goes back to being able to be true to myself and standing proud with it. Its refreshing. You can just stop trying to reason and find the correct answer. Just say what it is within you right now, if its correct good, if its incorrect good. Don't fear the outcome, don't fear the consequences. It is correct to be honest and that is all
There is no other way to be
a bit doomer like, but quite funny
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