MUST POST, NO MATTER HOW SHITTY AND UNFINISHED. MUST POST!!!!!!!!!
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lets not focus on the past
Life is a gift
lets go useee itt
maximum white pill
start amazing things today, and never stop!!!
even 10-20min is enough
songs to learn list:
- red I LL NEVER BE THE SAME
- ITS ALREADY OVER
- I really want to stay at your house
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I see the world through ME
I am not very good at dealing with people through them. Everything has to make sense through me for me to progress
That idea from singing lessons - voice is not supposed to feel strained/as strained, but when you dont know any better, its what you assume singing feels like
Thats how I live. I strain myself, and think its the way things feel, because I just dont know other ways. But in reality im not using my strengths, I am not flowing smoothly, not allowing myself to, not trying to find that in myself, not paying enough attention to myself and what I am good at
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life is a gift
before you know it life will be over, just go enjoy it and do things that I love. Stop distracting myself with shit I dont even like and suffering. Its so temping to allow yourself to suffer or do "meh" things and use up time. Being happy is different from being engaged/busy
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If I feel healthy, I feel miserable. My body is screaming - MOVE LIFE LIFE LIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFELIFLEIFLEIFLEIFELI, but I am stuck at home
Lets go man
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code in unity or in anywhere in OOP style
first create small pieces, think of architecture
then step by step get to the single individual piece, the playable character and work to modify it when everything is perectly assembled and separated
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I will quit League, coaching and everything involved with esports
Essence of sport is self improvement. Make yourself be better, thus performing better and feeling better. Whatever the results may be at least you are better for it. In esports, the "betterment of self" is very shallow. In wc3 or some very mechanically skillful games, its much more so, hence the game is better. But in league individual skill is very so so, and in turn it makes the whole game be focused on whether you win or lose to feel any sort of satisfaction, to be able to tell whether you are improving or not. This results based attitude is simply toxic to yourself and anyone involved. This exists in other games too, but in them at least skill is something you cannot deny even if you lose (if you play counter strike, and you are 1v3 consistently, but still lose for example)e
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I want a purpose. Its actually so unempowering to do a little bit of everything and not be commited to anything. Its greed and bad habit of mine, to think I can do everything and then lose motivation
whatever it is, love it, be passionate and open about it, no shame. If its something that makes you feel shame, just stop doing it then...
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issue - feel like only value I have is money, worthless at anything else. No skills, no appreciation, suck at all
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gameplay loop of league (as jungler)
- pick OP champs (low effort for tons of power)
- farm jungle
- take a look whether your guys are on tempo/have tools to fight
- judge whether its a fight you can take
- Fight if yes = go invade (if fast clear and tempo advantage), or take neutral
- can also weave in a gank in there, which can work if you sacrifcie yourself or laners controlled the lane and have vision cleared
- once laning is over, team fight phase starts and its much more fun, but its not guaranteed that game is playable once that time comes as some people might give up from falling behind and refuse to come to anything at a proper time
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things that make me feel worth something
- sleeping well
- showering, cleaning up
- clean living space
- giving myself time to breath fresh air and go for leisurely walks
- wearing good clothes and not rags
- spending time on things that aren't consuming, but rather creating or learning (even if its playing a game, is better... than browsing the internet)
- spending time onto things I actually like (feel good doing)
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Life is a gift, today is a gift
Many peoiple don't even live aslong as you have, how can you squander it
View things through that perspective, through that lense of perish. Nothing else to be said about it
Unironically should follow this rule...
I've been hit by delusional thoughts again. "Why do anything for myself" "Why live, its all selfish" blabla, and other self sabotaging thoughts, pushing myself to sacrifice, to ignore myself, to lead myself to ruin
Put myself up there, be loving, not just to others, but to self. Please, you have to. Learn from my past mistakes, do not run myself down with these delusional feelings of guilt
If you truly want to help others, nothing is stopping you from doing that, but that doesn't mean you should neglect and ruin yourself!!!!
Build self worth, maintain self worth. Its all about self worth, feeling of it. Confidence that comes from it. What you allow yourself to do comes from self worth. Self destructive behaviors ar from low self worth...
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all my life im feeling like an ugly undesirable creep
just hugging a pillow makes me feel warm and happy, pitiful
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I am sick, I have issues, I need to heal
drift physics checklist burnout, donut, figure 8s 1st gear, 2nd gear, clutch kick, handbrake to prolong drifts, handbrake initiations, shift up initiation, shift down initiation, swinging car into drifts, brake drift, linking drifts, manji, long drifts (one long oval or turn)
what you should be doing, what you truly love and are passionate about = things that you enjoy doing despite failing and making mistakes
that is the main difference. Since any progress involves failure, any involvement involves failure. Over and over, and it should be okay. Doesnt mean it will always be just non stop failure, but you shouldn't collapse or feel suicidal if you do (as esports make one feel lol)
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one way to describe most of my daily life when I am not busy working - constant thrist that cannot be quenched. Nothing can keep the thirst down
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sand slipping though my fingers, thats how life is feeling these days. I am slipping away like a drug addict, addicted to mking myself disappear, avoiding life, going by with minimal interraction
But why it it so, how did it turn out tobe this way?
I did things that hurt me for extended period of time, Imade myself like this.
I stuck myself in doors, I isolated myself, I tired myself out with bullshit, I lived unhealthiliy, I avoided things which bring me joy and make me feel alive, I spent so much time on league of legends, and so on and so forth. I allow myself to rot, I accelerated it with my attitude of avoidance. Avoidance by distraction, never ending distractions
Life is a giftt, and I am not using it at all. Rather the opposite im throwing it away, its offensive to anyone who died and wished they could live FUCK!!@#$!@J$O@JOI@JROI@jmro3i24f
Give me another chance please. Take life more seriously livleivlrivelivelivelivelivleivelivelivelivelivleivelivelivelive
do not succumb to addiction, to bad habits, to self hurt. Do not rot away. Pick up my embers, start a small fire, and let it grow. Lets go back to burning, but this time never let yourself extinguish it. Do not lose hope, no matter what just keep on burning. Its 10000x easier to maintain it than to restart it over and over. You know it, you ve expeirenced failure and pain so many times already, there is no excuses left, there is absoltuely nothing to be said or done other than just DO IT RIGHT
thats it
Start doing good things, and stay consistent. Avoid bad things which ruin it all. And it will all work out. Can start right now, can start tomorrow morning, it doesnt matter. But just start and maintain, simple
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What is fair, what is justice? What is honesty? What is being fair to myself? What is foreign influence?
I don't stand for truth, I push it away, not because I want to, I am conditioned to. My starting point is I am wrong and I should mediate,, not speak the truth and be honest. I care too much whether my truth will hurt other person, rather than holding back hurting me. I am so used to this, that I don't even notice that I wasn't fully truthfull a day or two after, only notice that I am feeling heavy hearted, stressed, anxious, and realize that I lied to myself
This is all influence from my previous few relationships, among some other RL things, but those had big impacts on me. Its funny how dangerous dating is for a completely naive and inexperienced blank slate of a kid. I used to speak the truth, it offended my first girlfriend a lot, I felt bad and started filtering myself. With second girlfriend it was even worse, if I spoke the truth it would be instant break up. I assumed its normal, remembering images of guys being self demeaning, self critical, and accepting whatever the girlfriend/wife says just to calm her down, and later talkign more truthfully once the emotional outbursts are over. 5 years of that and I became what I wanted to avoid becoming, pussywhipped loser when it comes to honesty. It became a habit to be careful, to put myself second/third/fourth/last. That toxic saying "happy wife, happy life" that absolutely destroys one soul, became my mantra when it came to relationships. So awful towards myself. I try to deal with it a bit, but it still comes and it seeps into everything else I do.
Issue is, is that I always had a little bit of that in me, I was always eager to help and at risk of becoming a pushover, but these experiences made it even worse. Funny thing is that in the third relationship, all of this backfired. Me acting this way, me having difficulty being honest, pushes her away from me. If anything it offended her, but it wasn't easy to catch myself and just be myself. She also never let anything go, so anything I ever said or messed up on, stayed true forever. For someone who struggled to even communicate my honest intents, and struggled to figure myself out, this was impossible. It was only a matter of time before something is said that I cannot take back and its stays like that forever. Its rough, because I ended up hurting her by saying some really harsh things, and now she believes them to be cold truth that is absolute.
We still talk, we talked recently, and it seemed like things could be better after all this time, but guess not. Part of me felt like I deserve the harsh treatment and words, but after some time sleeping on it and thinking about it some more, I got these thoughts from few paragraphs earlier - what is absolute truth here? what is fair to myself? what is my actual perspective regarding this, without the fear of offending?
Some absolute truths. I still love her and care for her, and those harsh words that were said, are not truth, or my opinion of her.
One of the things she said "is me saying X Y Z, maeks me not worthy of a family/anyone, and force me into permanent solitude?" (not accurate, but gist of it)
Its kinda funny, because isnt that what happened but reverse? I said some hurtful things, and that is, its over. My perspective, my heart and feelings are never cared for. It hurts, but I keep sucking it all up, because its me at fault. I do not feel loved, cared for or anything of the sort
Why did I say those hurtful things? I talked about it with her multiple times. I was extremely hurt from previous weeks of things, personal issues, huge recent stress, and also anxiety of how she is seeing me. (TL;DR version: I had no job for a year, and felt usless over it, was indirectly constantly compared to her exes (due to the job thing), had a huge fight with her where I ask her to stop talking to her ex over which we basically broke up immediately, and then I did get a job, I messed up at it and was at risk of losing it immediately, which once again led to more comparisons of me to her exes (indirectly), flew over to her country, and basically proposed to her and wanted to make it work and stick together, but in return got told that I am unreliable, unproven and scare. Should go get a job first and be stable, else she is taking same risks as she did with her exes and it didnt work out (once again being compared))
*How does one get indirectly compared to an ex?
- Direct comparison = You are doing X, just like my ex Y. You are the same!
- Indirect comparison = You dont look motivated to work, hmm where have I seen this behavior before?
Anyway with all this darkness within me, at one of her fragile moments, trying to say something that would make things feel better, I did the opposite and said something that was extremely hurtful. Its hard to be positive when you feel like shit yourself. And that essentially terminated any of positive feelings she has towards me forever, and made her hate herself and think there is no hope for the future anymore
To get back to absolute truths.
Things I've done (good)
- continously showed clear intent of how serious I am about us and making it work
- spent weeks/months of trauma talking, and listening, trying to mediate and calm down the situation, to show my support and understanding, get through hard times
- I didn't end up like her exes ( a bum ), like I said I would. It was never even a doubt or a question
- tried spending a lot of time with her, and simply have fun (it was)
- been loyal
- used 100% of my networth and all I had at the roughest times of my life, to go see her and try to mediate and make something work
- tried my best at improving at being honest and transparent about my issues, so we are more confident in each other
Things I've done (bad)
- too slow at getting a job (one month instead of 2 weeks, was delayed due to league coaching)
- unintentionally made her feel self concious about her hairstyle with a stupid joke
- didn't ask her to be my girlfriend immediately, but instead just talked to her and flirted too much. (Made me look like a fuckboy in her eyes)
- I let it bother me that she is talking to her ex, and when I brought it up, I was already fucked up so wasnt emotionally stable when talking about it. Made it seem worse than it was. Made her feel like i I am accusing of cheating? Despite saying how it makes me uncomfortable, and its not cheating over and over
- I was too anxious about sex, felt forced to initiate and go for in the heat moments, else I'd be viewed as a fucking loser (past trauma), in turn hurting her, since it looked like I dont care about her well being and just go for sex
- I said she might not be suitable for a family, when we talked about family. I don't remember the conversation exactly, but it seemed like I made it be like a question, (i.e have you thought about not wanting to start a family?), but it came out much colder and mean. From her POV, its the most hurtful thing anyone have ever said to her
- probably more, but I'll move on for now
You know when I put it down like this, it does look like I was a bad boyfriend overall. The positives are just fundamentals and essentials, they are nothing to be praised for. Unconditional love, care and support, with a bunch of hurtful things and "I ddn't mean"'its. Who would want to be in a relationship with that? :D
Sure there was always a fantasy in my mind of being accepted for who I am. Workign as a team and working through the hurtful things and difficulties. Seeing each other as a fellow human, and as logn as our feelings were pure towards each other, we can make it through anything! Still do, but man, am I this bad?
Yeah sure many things she said, were really hurtful as well. Mostly the comparisons to ex, and lack of belief of what I am capable of. But I did kind of brought those things onto myself by showing signs of same behaviors, which in turn made me hard to believe in as well...
Well in some way, it feels better to blame it all on myself. Blame self = self empowerement, Since you can fix your own mistakes, cant fix others
Which funny story, I once particiupated in mental support forums. AND LET ME TELL YOU WHAT, I am awful at mental support for sexual abuse survivor women, because this idea of blame yourself = self empowerement DOESNT FLY. I keep looking at these suicide prevention hotline volunteering places, I am interested in going there to helpout, but I am worried that I'll lose patience and focus and default back to my own beliefs, which is self blame = empowerement and make someone kill themselves...
Which is really story of my life. Walking on manual. Talking on manual. My beliefs, are all wrong and offensive. Filter myself or hurt everyone around me. I am not accepted
Perhaps I am not suitable for family or anything. Perhaps I shouldnt try to be. Just get a bike, roam the streets and live my life, fuck what anyone thinks of me. This is so tiring. Try to get along with people, and in turn only hurt myself and burry myself deeper and deeper
There isn't a day I don't feel like killing myself, constant emotional fluctuations. If I get back on a bike in few months, I just know that I wll die if I don't get this under control. Driving fast under emotional fluctuations is extremely dangerous for me. I just get tired of braking at some point and only accelerate, and that doesn't always work out... I channel frustration and anger through driving, I need to watch it carefully
My honest true thoughts about that whole situation. Yeah I guess if you put all the things together, I wasn't that great of a lover. But hey, you cannot deny that I was loving, caring and loyal. I was always there.
I've been quite clear about how I see her, how I see our future together. You can trust it and accept it, we can try to make things better together, work through painful things and make sure they dont ever happen again. Be honest and strong together, overcoming all sorts of obstacles
You can also, say fuck it, I am not a good boyfriend, its risky to trust me, to not want to risk it anymore. But also accept that none of the hurts received were some kind of personal attacks. It was just fights, bad emotions, fluctuating crap between us in effect. Not some kind of sherlock homes deductions of you deep down. Accept that and move on, live and love again when you feel ready. And same would apply to me. This is just part of life. Just because it didn't work out between us, doesn't mean your life is over
Or alternatively, believe that somehow I read your soul and one hurtful sentence I said to you after a year of knowing you, is ultimate truth that you should believe and follow for the rest of your life. That you are trash, despite me loving you deeply for a year. Not that my way of showing love wasn't reaching, no, that I just pretended for the whole time and only said that I do, but all efforts I put in were just pretend, thats why you didn't feel it. Now its time to sit there and suffer, because me, I have solved you and its over
So many ifs and buts, but if you choose to believe that, yeah it will hurt immensely and will feel awful to live like that. Why choose that?
I hate how you follow that femcel mindset of "blame all men, blame life, blame self, hate self" etc. You would go out and write big posts about it, venting, would say its just a vent, but it seems a part of you really believes it. I hate how I am being paired in the category of all "men", I hate how I am being grouped like a cog, like a wrench in a toolbox, how inhuman it makes me feel and everything that happened between us. There is no group or system out there to get you. This was purely just you and me, it was between us. We let too much of foreign influence ruin it for us
I let it ruin with all the bullshit with exes and comparisons. Incel bullshit thats so prevelant didn't help there too, it poisoned me a little bit as well. Same for you. That the acts I did, the things I said, were some kind of mocking actions, that I was there to use you for sex or something else, that how can someone love you? I must have some kind of shitty reasons, like settling down or being a complete loser and couldn't find anyone else, but you? Or that I am there to hurt you or some other dumb incel reason
We let it poison us and ruin it, we griefed ourselves many times. I just wished we could have worked through it and gotten better. You cannot expect to be completely unsullied. Can only hope that you will find someone patient with whom you can work through things together and cleanse ourselves from all this bullshit, be normal and love
I hope if you ever read this (doubt), that nothing I said will be taken out of context to feed your inner pain more. I think my message was overall positive, and if you didn't feel this way, maybe try reading it again?
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Even more tired than usual. But thats just the gist of some honest opinions. I need to blog more often, get used to the feeling of not filtering myself. I hate it soooo FUCKING MUCHHHH
My fucking ex, I picked up so many bad habits from her FUCK!!!! Talking to her 24/7 for 5 years, how can you not????? I snort now, I say sorry too much, I filter myself, there was the time I was addicted to stupid as memes thanks to her too. Shit man, I need to be myself, purge this!!!!!!!
I am a worthy individual. I do mistakes, but I am honest and I try hard. I get many cool ideas. I am worthy of admiration and love. I shouldn't even have to think about it, its natural!
My thoughts, my opinions are valid. I do not need to police myself. I can think and say anything I want, it doesn't matter if anyone gets hurt, its not what you say, its how you say it anyway!
I am allowed to just be myself. Me is just fine
And to all the haters out there, FUCK YOU ALL, DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
Actually makes me feel better chanting this. Change perspective. TODAY IS A GIFT, LIVE IT GOOD. DO NOT BELIEVE THE INNER PAIN VOICE OF WANTING TO SUFFER!! DO NOT SELF DESTRUCT, DO NO CRUMBLE. DO NOT ALLOW THIS SHIT TAKE OVER PLEASEEEEEEEE
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
LIFE IS A GIFT LIFE IS A GIFT
Just go and live, enjoy it. For al lthe peoople who died, for all who cannot. Please respect life. No matter the pain, no matter what happened, you can get through it all, because it is a gift in some shape or form. It will all work out, honest
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