'Till your heart stops
RIP
One bad step, another
Snowball
Slept a bit, but still exhausted. Can't think, can't feel anything, but lust
Be hungry, but no matter how much you eat, you will not satisfy it. Utter gluttony, a curse
Its so easy to fall off the tight rope that is functioning in a society and being normal. Few bad decisions and here you are, an outcast
Will call addiction help services, see if theres some group (like in the movieessss) that I could go and participate in, listen in to other peoples problems. Different types of addictions, but still
Just socialising never helps, since I hate pretending to be normal. Alwaays feel an attraction to talking and communing with other fuckups out there. Whatever shape or form it is
Maybe an illusion, since drug addicts are annoying haha
Hearing other peoples problems, puts your own into perspective, can feel better. Less lonely
Isn't 90% of what I am doing nowadays, just addictive behaviors? Adrenaline, risk, gluttony, lust. All are internal drugs to make boring days copeable. I have no battle, I have no dream. Its just me floating in an open void
All methods should return something! Do not make void ones! Whats your return value gonna be? : D D
Destroy myself to heal
What does that mean?
Its not about inflicting additoinal pain to current situation
It means to take everything that you are doing to cause such harm right now, and burning it down. Get up and live differently
How many times do I need to say the same thing? Just writing about it, will not will it into existence
Is this blog, just like my notes years ago, sucking me in and making me too stationary?
Is it cheap comfort, pain avoidance, another form of escapism?
Is it harming me to writ ehere
I am fucked, yet the blog makes it feel better
Its a bandaid to an otherwise awful life
hm
does it mean I should delete it? Stop posting?
Leave myself defenceless, be battered, pay the price for living like shit
Feel the most lonely, confused, lost
Use that situation as a push to change myself, rather than coping with symptoms
Whos to say whats the right way to live, and isn't?
Isn't this blog prety much the only thing keeping me sane. I am at the tipping point constantly. I am ok right now, but if I fall, it will be sudden and quick. Would I be able to crawl out of there?
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I am being dramatic cuz I am tired again
I am fucked up, so I self isolate from everyone and everything
Only causes more harm
Self shame grows
Even if I were to reach out and talk to someone, I have nothing to say, since all of the last days were just filth and fatigue (or FF for short)
There is no reason to write about any of this
Other than that idea - if you can write it, it means its okay and things will get better
But I am overusing it now
Just go back to work and then sleep, all of this is just delusions. YOU NEED TO SLEEP MAN
YOU ARE STUCK IN A FEVER DREAM BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO SLEEP
WAKE UP (BY GOING TO SLEEP)
JUST SLEEP. YOU ARE NOT INSANE, YOU ARE JUST SO TIRED AND SO FUCKING STUBBORN. STOP IT MAN, WTF?
SLEEP, YOU JUST NEED TO LET GO, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP
NO, DONT DRINK THAT ENERGY DRINK, NO DONT DRINK THAT 999X COFFEE, NO DONT DRINK THAT BOTTLE OF COLA, NO DONT READ ANOTHER MANGA OR A NOVEL
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP, SO EASY! SO CONVENIENT
WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO SLEEP? HOW MANY HOURS WAS IT? HOW MANY DAYS? JUST SLEEP. HOW DID ALL OF THIS EVEN START? WASN'T I OKAY ON SATURDAY? I JUST HAPPENED TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT INTO SUNDAY, AND IT SNOWBALLED THERE. SIMPLY BECAUSE I WAS OUT ALL NIGHT
WTF MAN?
ARE YOU RETARDED?
It appears I am. Wtf am I donig and writing these cringe doomer posts about. Pretending to be deep.
JUST SLEEP
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