*new post rule - finish post no matter what, and then post it, dont leave it hanging for days even if something is not done*
Reach for the sun, trees!
Recently a man from Azerbaijan told me that he was fascinated by our nature here, since he isn't used to the trees being this tall. As where he is from, its warm and plenty of sun, so trees have no reason to grow tall to survive. Never thought about that, and I cannot confirm validity of it, and I wont attempt, since the idea itself sounds cool and somehow speaks to me hahahha
Regarding a thought from yesterday about coding/utility mindset/making games. I thought back to the times where I went to code a game out of my own accord (some months back), and it was fun/felt good. What was different? I was on a holiday, I had no programming work to tend to. And my conditioning to go and work on something programming like made me want to make games/console apps. Is it wrong? Is it brainwashing? Is it a way to heal by doing the type of work that you want to do? Is it coping mechanism to try and apply skillset received from work onto something else, in attempt to justify all the time sunk? I don't know. I should try and get a holiday around the time some gamejam is around the corner and just do it, test it out, its best way to tell.
Its NOT about "avoiding" vices, avoiding waste, avoiding spending all your money on shit you might not use later or throw away.
Its about HAVING things to do, having goals, short/long/whatever term. Things you actively aim for. Keeps you distracted from vices, keeps you busy, keeps you happy and achieving things that you actually wanted and not some random shit that you dont even like
You are what you do now. Not temptation, not past, not future. What you do now. So things you do nowadays, should be what you want to continue doing, since that is what you will be becoming. If you just express vague interests in stuff, you will be a shallow person, bored of your own interests, looking for the next high to elevate self worth feelings.
Today sucked, why? Because this is what I did:
- wake up and work diligently
- rent a car (spend money)
- buy groceries
- eat
- do more work
- do house chores
- be tired and lay down while blogging a bit
- go through pinterest for clothing ideas and look for various clothes I need to buy (I dont have much to wear)
- am in the bathroom atm, filling up a bath to take it as I write this
- that is all. I haven't worked towards any big ambition, or worked on anything hard
Result:
+ feel lonely
+ feel weak
+ feel wasteful
+ feel stressed (from options anxiety from looking at all those clothes and stuff)
Ideas for solutions?
= be more strict with what time it is. Time to work, time to rest etc. Dont mix and match at random
---
Day:
- wake up ritual (can be crazy)
- super important work (future proofing, escalating beyond your current limits)
- normal work
- heal and rest time (can be crazy, whatever it needs to be)
While laying in bad for an hour I had a thought. Me currently is not something that can be rationalized through, its just normal fatigue, just in a different form. Back when I used to work in factories and grind it out, come back barely alive (physically), it was the same as is now, except now I am being exhausted in other ways.
Its no different. Back then survival method was: do important stuff before work, before it soils you, since after main work day, you will be so tired and creatively exhausted only thing you can do is focus on healing and preparing for the next day. Its just normal human cycle of a day. During times when I had no job, or was on holidays, this cycle was completely broken and I felt like a different type of human. Able to excel and work on all sorts of things, go for big goals and ambitions, feel free blablabla. But once work starts it just saps it away, why was I so stupid and didn't notice? Just because my job isn't physically draining me, doesn't mean I am not drained. I ignored all of the signs, I refused to allow myself to heal, I refused to work aroudn shortcomings of having a job (doing things in the morning before work) and so on. This makes things very easy to categorize as well
You know what is awesome in life?
Great work, family and love, and a good chillout time. What else do you need? Nothing
I want more out of my work, be more competent. I could be earning 5x I am earning now, this would also allow me to afford a family and love (lol, but its reality of things). It could be more fun work, I could steer it into any direction I want so its more enjoyable. And my chill out times? Man I should actually start allowing myself to have one, rather than just "gasping for air" at random periods during the day by doing some sort of relaxing activity. This is normal, stop guilt tripping myself about resting, its retarded
Good work, good rest. Thats it bro
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