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Curse

Go out for a drive -> energy flowing, feeling good, motivated. Bad emotions are dissolving 
Get back home -> All good emotions are quickly fading, bad habits are creeping in and tempting. Feel as if 100kg bag was but atop of me
Weird how it is. Must I really get out? Will things really change?



messed around with joints in unity, made a replay system and practiced making unity editor scripts. Was decent gamejam. Got me pretty pumped and motivated to do more


Todays gatcha pull. Coincidence?

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AHAHAHAHHAHA
FUYCKIUNG LOVE TUESDAYS BRO

JUST OFF A CASUAL 3h DAILY STANDUP + RETRO + SPRINT PLANNING SESSION
TIME TO DO SOME REAL WORK NOW LOL

aaaaaaaaaaa

1h later :

Just got called in into another meeting hahahahahhahahahahah. Complain and get served bitch

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Gonna finish my game in few days. Was thinking a lot on purpose, goals and so on again, this time wiser though. Structure is always my biggest weakness so strengthening it does seem like a good idea, as long as its not overdone. Thats where games, software development in general comes in. I often struggled with the idea of dedicating myself to "simple working life". Been pumped with many ideas from the society I am from, that working for someone = being a dumbass peasant who will get exploited. If not now, then later. Being paid on time is a privilege. Money you earn, isn't even yours, its your employers. Be thankful for crumbs and just work. Anyway you get the gist of it. Not great mindset to have towards work, but it was reality of the times/place I grew up in. It still happens ofcourse, but its much less common. All of this, made me always be fearful of being "service" minded, or in other words a "serf" or a "peasant" who works the fields, sells the grain and moves on with his life. Be a business man, make something fresh happen, hustle, become millionaire, a pro gamer - these were the ideas that came from this mindset. Are they good ideas? No. Looking back, if I only did honest work, I'd be extremely wealthy right now, and probably happier. But this isn't about regrets or anything of the sort, its about accepting the "peasant" mindset, turning it into something I use, make it more palatable to myself.

How?
If you really think about it, there is nothing above service. Being a millionaire businessman, is just another type of service. You are never above anything or anyone. If you feel that the type of service you provide is small/insignificant, then perhaps its not the type of job you do that should change, but ambition for it. Tired of being a codemonkey? Just try to solve bigger software problems, elevate yourself. Nothing is really stopping you from this. Yeah maybe you will end up "releasing your own app", but not because you had a hustle mindset trying to make money and work for yourself, but because you see a problem that has no solutions at the moment, so you simply make one yourself. Its same outcome, but different mindset, and that matters a lot. 

RL example. At the moment I am solving rather simple software problems at work. UI work, test automation, some devops, adding new features to the app that has many users, but is not that complex from client side (Honestly just fetch on load and display, no fancy syncing/observables even). All done in UIKit programmatically, many custom views that make it more complex than it should be, but still is just basic UIKit.
On the horizon though, theres great refactoring to swiftUI plans, whole new app that will modularize everything that we currently have, cut it up so it can be reused in different countries/markets. No developers know how to do it, or how it will work. There is one super senior dev hired to only plan the architecture for this, and even he doesn't have all solutions. He's been at it for almost a year now too lol. It could be an opportunity for me to step and play a great part in it. Thats ambition, thats elevation

But what about purpose? Why grind and work? Why excel?
I am not a worker drone type of guy. I used to wake up in cold sweat even thinking of entering a job market. I had no idea what I'll do if I have to go to work. Thought my only solution is suicide (fast or slow). But despite all of that there are few truths in life, and those I can tell you from experience:
Being strong never hurts.
Feeling depressed, sad, purposeless, lost, overall shitty? scared? Try becoming strong
How?
Act it
Do good work, live good life
99% of the time, you will stop feeling like shit
Its not an easy pill to swallow, because the solution is to go and sweat, and when you are already at the bottom, its hard to pull anything extra out of yourself. But its what it is
If it helps knowing. The times I pulled myself up to go and sweat from the bottom, I would ask myself a question - this or death? And when staring death in the face, somehow felt challenged to go and try one more time, what is there to lose? Your life? Lol

Final words for today, and what I am trying to act on more:
- set goal
- act on it
- struggle
- find solution
- keep acting
(more fun, satisfying, original, more me. Write your own story)

AVOID:
- investigating and searching for correct ways to do things
- wasting time on figuring out all the pros and cons, or issues others faced
(You spoil it all, feel inclined to copy others, feel like its all a waste, not being yourself)

btw started writing a macos app. I dont use my phone for almost anything, but PC, yep I do.
Its a quick appo for organizing myself. Mainly just need timers and disruptions, tested that functionality real quick and works nicely. Need app to forcefully go full screen, draw attention and alt tab me to it from whatever I am doing. I'll use it for mornings and just general schedule. Try to enforce more structure on myself

How to write macos apps? Dunno
SwiftUI? Dunno
What architecture to run on this app? Dunno
I'll just do it like a gamejam, and refactor when time comes. Return of personal apps, how about that? Just like good old winforms days which I've missed out on hahaha
Initially thought of making console apps for personal use, and its cool and all, but this has to be UI specifically for interruptions, going full screen and stuff. Guess console app could do that? But whatever. I need swiftUI practice

Lifecycle of a day:
    Awake- startMorningRoutine() -> startPersonalWork()
    Work - startWork() -> End by 15:00?
    Maintenance - startChores() -> startRest()
    End - startSleepRoutine()

Life is just your one day multiplied x99999. So make today count

startMorningRoutine {
        *still need to experiment with what feels good and works well*
  • drink water and actimel
  • go for a walk
    startPersonalWork() {
  • apps, games, self development as programmer goes in here
  • anything that also makes me excited to get done. Current professional passions in short
    }
}

startWork {
  • do work
  • look to start at the latest 10
  • look to end at around 15
  • small time frame, so work is more efficient and isn't dragged across whole day and stress me out constantly as it does now
}

startChores {
  • walk for 20km, how about that lul
  • lunch
  • all the basic household shit
  • clean
  • finances
  • exercise
    startRest() {
  • for fun, "useless activities with no gain", all social things go here
  • bikes, drifting, guitar, writing, reading, music etc.
  • stay away from work, even if you want to, feel curious about work related things etc. NO STOP
  • THIS IS STRICTLY FOR FUN ZONE, RUN FROM WORK, JUST RUN
    }
}

startSleepRoutine {
    * no idea yet, but staying away from screens is good
  • face wash and eye creme
  • shower
  • ??????????????
}

Start days early, get hyped up by doing a predictable routine that feels good. Then do work you really like, or feel excited about. Continuing with low prio down in the trenches work for wage, continuing with even lower prio maintenance tasks, and ending with just not giving a fuck and having fun 

Gotta try something like this. Have to try and be generous with planning, since its about long haul and also not burning myself out


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also happy I managed to cut some bad habits
I am not watching asmongold shit vids before sleep anymore every night
Watching him makes me feel dumber by the end of it, wastes a lot of time, and also like a cuck. Sacrificing your life to watch someone else just sit there and make money of of your attention, I dunno man. Great way to be stuck forever


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