Heartwants

 untrue heart wants / dangerous fake signals example:

•     spending hours looking at various interest mobile apps, gathering inspiration for an app to make, and what kind of purpose it would solve. Imagining how fun it would be to code it up and design it. Constant bait/fear mongering (I need to not miss out on new tech!!!) to make myself waste time looking into stuff for no purpose whatsoever, and even if I were to set out and make an app, for what purpose? Other than "learning" and "fun". Just another notch on my belt for no reason

knowledge about self: (be honest with self, to live proper)

• I am utility focused person. Things I work on, must have value, must provide value. If something is just for "fun", I do not enjoy it unless the process makes me feel good in itself (rare). And that eliminates 99% of stationary things, since sitting and thinking/solving problems isn't fun in the process, only in the result.  
• Do programming project - improve portfolio - get a job - make money - ??? - survive
• Do programming project - learn stuff - use it on the job - make money - ??? - survive
• Make game - publish it - its a business - make money - ??? - survive
• Fix car/bike - ride it - so I can feel alive and not suicide myself - ??? - survive

I try and try and try and try to delude myself into being something else, since I think the idea of coding for fun, coding up some games, making some 3d art is so cool. I like those things so much (as an idea). They are interesting, you can dwell really deep into it, and if you get really skilled, can create some wonderful and cool things way ahead of its time. I dont want to be so business and money focused when it comes to these things, since they are like creative outlets. Being business focused will ruin it, will make it be limited and stiff

but... I just cant. When it comes to the process of learning how to make games, random software projects, art... I just cant, I hate the process. Makes me feel really bad lol. So perhaps those things are just not for me? Take what I am doing right now, writing, this is actually kinda fun to do, I am enjoying the process of blogging out my thoughts and structuring them (at least a little bit), yet theres this constant pressure from back of my mind trying to froce myself to be something I am not, to accept these activities as part of what I should be doing, despite them making me feel awful. I am not using my gifts, I am being greedy thinking I can go against my own nature of what feels natural

Don't get me wrong, I do believe we all can do anything we set out to do, but this is different, this is what we intrinsically feel towards various things and we just cant get rid of. You can dislike X but still be great at doing X, or get good at it. But you probably shouldn't.

Biggst sufferings I cause myself are the inner turmoils I start up by thinking I have to force myself to like X Y Z, let it shape me into something I am not, just because it is a "good thing to do", it would make you "better". For example: Doing various software projects in my free time, small apps etc. Have fun doing so. It would make me better at my job, and my job would probably be more fun if coding was such a joy bringer to me. Stability and safety achieved.

But in reality I just cant accept this. I do not want to live a life like that! Let me be honest here, programming to me is a job. Its fun at times, as any job where you get to use your mind and be respected for great solutions would be. I would probably feel same level of fun and satisfaction if I was an architect or designed something like a car or a boat, a sewage system for a city and so on. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy it, its alright, its just different attitude - I cannot live it, it isn't my calling, I am just adapting to the times and the place

I should really just listen to my heart, to what I am, and stop forcing myself to do things I dont like..

Its so simple and basic, yet I cant stop doing it, and I notice others doing the same.

We keep getting this toxic idea that "it will get better later", or gaslighting/guilt tripping ourselves to do it and that we are the "wrong ones" for not liking it, or lazy or whatever else you want to call yourself. So we stay and keep doing crap we hate, and trying to pretend that we love it.  Hey before you notice 10 years have passed, and now you might as well stick with it, since you actually got good at a thing you dislike. Is that really how you want to end up like?

Gaze inwards. What is it that you feel is good, that you like, what makes you feel alive? When you do it, you want to do it more? It gets you tired, but thrilled to wake up and do some more?

Remember that feeling? Yeah its possible to feel lol, you felt it many times before!! Long time ago, but you have!!! There are things you really like doing, you just abandon them

The world deserves to see you at your full potential. You should want to express it, its the most fun and satisfying thing to do. That should be a goal. Find out who you are by expressing it, show the world and to yourself. You dont even know who you are, you might be a completely different person from what you imagine yourself to be. Isn't it exciting? The person closest to you, you yourself, is a mysterious being that is undiscovered. It wants to get out, its just silenced.