Insomnia

 

30min a day, quick pass out during the day

MMM sustenance

brain is healing

perfect amount

Funny how the chemicals in your body work. Blasting adrenaline, making it work overtime. I am so tired, yet on the edge. Rather than sleep feeling like a peaceful and comfy experience, it feels like I am laying naked in the middle of the forest with wild animals rummaging about (speaking from experience)

The cause? Its hilarious. Its work, I need to do a simple task and make a merge request for it, another coworker depends on some UI changes from me.  Well one more for another coworker who does QA would be helpful too, to look like a very productive employee, but that one is more of a bonus, just 1 would be enough for now.

How much have I delayed this? Not much, an extra day, yet my sense of duty is causing insane amounts of guilt, and indirectly making me feel anxious all day long, restless, desire to jump into bad habits to calm down, adrenaline releasing, difficulty sleeping, then lack of sleep for multiple days, then overwhelming fatigue overcoming me, heart pains, feeling like a dead zombie, passionless, emotionless, trying to grasp for any kind of feeling, for any kind of peace, yet the guilt of being slow on the work making it so nothing is enjoyable. A knot of insanity is tied, completely self caused. It is so easy to destroy yourself and become insane, ruining your own life over absolute basics

Is this all it takes to take me down?

Historically, over the span of my life, I've self sabotaged myself like this thousands of times. I always dubbed it "internal conflict". Its all so weak and bullshit, any small external help to pull me out of this, usually did the trick immediately. I remember dreading going to school, because of layer after layer of internalized guilt. You show up, you are viewed as the biggest human trash, because you missed most assignments, most homeworks, most of everything. Your classmates, your teachers, all think you are just permanently relaxed slacker. I mean the actions you did, do make you out to look like one, don't they?  It doubles on the altready not great feelings about yourself. You are walking into a "snake pit". Difficult

Few things that helped me get through it - 

• letting go
• accepting responsibility and all of the blame
• minimising the issue, its only a small part of life
• looking through backwards perspective. Worst case scenario, what will it be? Anticipate to be berated and hated, and be okay with it
• Do not expect warmth or friendship, human decency. But if it happens, let it be a pleasant surprise

Mostly the responsiblity and minimising of things. Its relaxing to just state things for what they are and not epxect to "get away" with anything. 

Okay I had some mental issues and did my work few days slower in this sprint. Thats who I am. I don't really have an excuse or a reason. No I wasn't sick, no I don't want to lie about any of it

Was same in school. Yeah I didn't do anything, yeah I do want to graduate, please give me a chance. Oh I need to write 5 tests in 45minutes? Ok. I need to bring in a done project by the end of the school day today? Ok, I'll do it. And then I did. Was it great quality? No, In reality you only needed 1 good one and the rest can be trash, and the grade will average out to barely passing. Could you say I was abusing the system? Sure if you want to be a real piece of shit about it, but have I really benefited? No, barely learned anything and lived in perpetual stress and anxiety

Its peaceful to just stand up and proudly claim your shortcomings, not try to justify them

And no its not the "its okay to be weak" and then proceed to be obese and die. Its about acknowledging your starting point, where you are now, and not pretending to be something you are not. Being truthful of your flaws, putting them out there, identifying what is it that you need to fix

I have constant mood swings, because I live in a very imbalanced way

They cause other issues arise

Thats it

Solution? Live in a more balanced way

There isn't anything more to it, nothing grand, no soul searching required

So why do I write about this?

Because this blog is my therapy, and my friend

Why is it public then?

It often times wasn't, is now though. A small part of me hopes that someone will read it and find it comforting. But majorly ofc, I don't expect any living human will ever read anything I write here. At least not early on. If its years after the posts made, can always play it off as a "ah that was me years ago" and its not embarassing anymore hahaha

Its funny how it works. Just some minutes ago I was extremely anxious, restless. "Endlessly seeking" some kind of salvation from these feelings. Yet only time in last days I felt any, was when I am here typing whatever comes to mind. It works

Btw, I should associate myself with a bonfire, rather than a crow.  Fits me better

At my greatest I am huge and warm, but it never stays that way for long, eventually I always end up being just embers, barely warming anything around them

Wish I could get a hug and be told to just stop. Stop rummaging, stop panicking, its ok. Just rest and tomorrow new fire will be started

I need to acquire a skill to somehow emotionally manipualte myself to feel that by myself haha

Would be useful, very

Ahh, really. Adrenaline faded from writing, feels so nicenow. llllllll

Sleep? Want to just lay and savour this fora momnent... feeling calm, after the storm

Like things will be okay. I'll handle it all

Writing my problems out, they are sso small in reality. It is nothing to worry about at all haha

Inb4 last few paras I typed are all gibberish (typing with eyes closed, mb placed my hands at wrong startig point hahaha) (mb not and I am just amazing at feeling my keyboard strokes? (nah its basic skill bro, only moms cant do it at this day and age )

It wasn't just work that got me here. Lets be honest here, it was me disliking my life at current stage

Do work, free time, try to fill it with purpose, but when you are starting from 0, it was me scouring for things all across the internet for XX hours non stop in one sitting, adding on stress levels. One day, two days, three. Extend that, double it, eventually you crack somewhere and it spills into quality of work, then new layer of stress opens up and you are turned into a stress snowball successfully

Live life you enjoy, or at least be on a path to it. Solved

Dont know what it is? Pick something, after short time to think. A day or two max, bu then select it and do the things, rather than planning and preparing (those two things lead me to ruin)

Just do things, just live. No planning allowed, poison

What if you selected some things, go and do them, yet you still feel empty inside after a while? Doesn't that hit harder than not even having tried anything? Since the illusion of getting better is ruined?

Keep positive attitude, don't give up. Just select something else quick and try again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again

(it wont take this many agains, it can't unless you are straightup trolling your own options and not being serious)

Thats ittt. Stop being a fkn nerd and a coward!!! Planning? Overthinking? I AM DOING IT AGAIN!!!!

Feeling pity and fake deepness from simply being lonely? Fuck off with that lol

Are you a child? Why am I allowing myself to be at this low standard still? Didn't I set out to be better than this 99999 times already? yet I always end up back here and alone? Wtf bro

Are you even taking this shit seriously?

Did I get hit by melancholy and sadness from being bored after work, and set myself up to feel like a walking corpose to numb myself down from all of these feelings?

Isn't that just escapism, form X? How am I different from alcoholic, comfort eater, drug addict?

Yeah ok I did work, yeah ok then I am stuck at home, yeah ok I have no friends I want to spend time around with, yeah ok there was no places I really wanted to go around in my whole country, yeah ok all this sitting at home on the PC all day did make me feel pretty shit and lusting for some FEELINGS TO FEEL, yeah and then I overdid it, cut into my own sleep and just kept reading shit online, watching shit balblablaal, wasting time and fuck the rest of things up. Its not that deep

No one should just sit at home all the time in gloomy and shitty environment, on their pc all day. No one who does ends up feeling great

So what should I desperate run around seeking social connections? Thats just ingenuine and shit

No, just accept things for what they are, be self concious of them, set goals which I can work on right now, balance things out a bit, treat the emotional wounds that this kind of life causes until I am not forced to be in it anymore

Yeah I am alone, yeah any of the plans and ideas I had are not very accessable right now. Just make new ones that are. Stop being such a bitch mann

meh

some sleep would be nice man, its a good place to start

calm down, being calm is always correct

sleep

focus on what needs to be done quickly

get it done

enjoy some life (Step I get stuck on all the time and ruins me completely hahahahahhahaha)

Shit should I maybe not try to enjoy life then? : D D D D D D I seriously, keep getting stuck trying to enjoy things. What I would enjoy is some honest romance, but thats not something you can conjure and frankly am bad at anyway. Its once more just a fantasy from being lonely. <- could also be just cope sentence 

do work

lay down

think about what to do to enjoy life

stress

find nothing

feel even worse

go back to work

vs

do work

lay down

give up

do work again

Hey simplicity is king, no? Clear winner here hahahahahahhahaha

but thats how things often are. Shit/wrong solution that is simple is going to give immediate results, but it caps out at how much of goodness it can bring rather quickly. While complex solution, an ambition to find a way to be happy, certainly will make you miserable in the process, but the end goal is great (if there is one)

do work

eat food with you rlover

ride bike, see nature

write

goof around with your lover

do work again

shrug

when tired I can write non stop, I will just force stop now, enough