Write

If you are in pain - write

If you are feeling lifeless - go for a walk, then write

Write write write write, get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out get out

9/10 things out there are made to suck you in, distract you and keep you sitting lifelessly. It will never help, there are no answers, there are no solutions - get out, now

Picture a day, but its dark out and only thing I can take a pic off is a house in the distance

(atleast not a ceiling of my bedroom hahhahahaha, also gives ominous spencer mansion feel)

I keep thinking back to the example on how to act around monkeys. If you are nice to a monkey, if you give it food, monkey thinks you are below it, you are its servant and in monkey society that means that if monkey feels bad, they are allowed to physically assault their servants to relieve some stress. Its normal, for them.

I keep thinking and feeling disgusted with myself, because I am the recipient of monkey assault. I put myself below others by constantly following one of my main rules in life: "If you want something, do it yourself first". I'd like people to be kind to me, show affection and interest, help me out, take initiative. So I do it, but I don't know, humans don't act too different from monkeys regarding this, they immediately perceive you as below them, not worthy of respect

Its a weird sociatal dance you have to perform to fit in without being taken advantage of andits easier to just isolate yourself from it all. But that would be quitting and a quitter I am not!

Just something to keep in mind. Anything you do, society perceives it as your willful wish to do so, not an act of sacrifice or kindness. It is not viewed as normal/common to willingly go and sacrifice yourself, and if you somehow convince them that you do - means you are weird/intense/below them (pick a few)

This kind of first assumption benefits a person who actually does things that are for self benefit only. Makes them predictable, easy to understand, reliable in a way? All are positives. It sounds negative, but its actually a rather honest way of life, if your wishes aren't murdering and using people lol

At least for me, someone who does everything from the other end first, this is very important. I need to force myself to think and act this way, make it be more natural to me. My other way of life is simply unviable. Suffering on the daily until I die, isn't the way to go man

"Suffering" here is a strong word, but I let things eat away at me, everything I do, I do wrong for myself. Its a strong habit that the moment I stop and think about how I talk, act and socialize, I realize how I self harm on the most basic of things. Conditioning is hard to stop, if this is how you grew up for decades, have to reprogram myself, "walk manually"

Stop settling for dogshit, life is running out, lets go live

Letting yourself flow like this, in directly boosts testosterone btw, and that makes you feel more like a man and happier. You can think of it as cringe, but feeling like "insert your gender here" unironically is so important. You have X amount of years behind you of sociatial programming, genetic programming, self brainwash from media/books/fantasy of what it means to you to be a "insert your gender here", you may not say it outloud, you may not even think if, but its all in there somewhere. You can pretend to be smarter than it, be ok with not conforming to it, but its there, its foundation of you