Closed - on moving on (updated)

   tea shop was closed, chilling with a canned drink instead

park wherever, feels good

looks good for climbing

Childhood defining events, or whatever comes to mind up to age of 13 (or things I still remember)

• watching my grandma fall and get a seizure, feel confused and helpess, unable to help. Wait for ambulance as I sit blanky staring at my computer (I was playing adventure quest before)
• be bullied on my way visiting my grandma by some city kids. They burned my hair and took money I had for buying her groceries. Felt big shame for that. She was already half out of her mind after surgery so she didnt mind that I didn't get all the things
• Being choked out by a much bigger bully on my way to gym class everyday, just to meet him later and him being one of my older neigbhor friends friend. Was awkward experience
• Sitting in first grade class in a corner in fear, as theres never ending uncontrolled violence happening in the class room. None of it made sense. My town used to be prison for violent kids
• riding my bike and falling down on my knees real bad near my house, felt so weak, couldn't get up, was trapped under my bike (it was much bigger than me, adult bike from heavy steel oldschool soviet style), just to have my neigbhours dad run up and help me out. (1 out of 2 dads I've seen growing up), just to later see him be crippled in wheel chair and soon after dead (gangsters broke his knee caps, common back then)
• eating blooming flowers because hungry, the moisture felt refreshing. Roaming the hood with a friend and just doing that non stop
• laying on a patch of wild sorrel with same friend and just eating it as we talk about non sense
• collecting bottles with a friend, so we could buy some snacks. Meeting and socializing with hobos, hanging out with them in their shit stained hide outs
• playing cossacks with neigbhorhood kids, realizing its an awful game. Tl;dr - if you get captured, they torture you until you give out a password. Having someone big stand on your head, feels like your skull being crushed and cracking. Made me realize I was not like the other kids, I just wanted to play tag, have fun, not torture others
• Walking around town, saying hello to literally everyone, making friends, because my grandma taught me to be polite and friendly
• Try and make friends with a group of girls, get beaten up and bullied from that day on forever for my name sounding funny in polish. Made me self concious of how I smell. (My name Evaldas-Yvulia-Cibulia, means onion)
• feel physically weaker than everyone else, be small, feel inferior. Get hyped up for my politeness and intelligence by my grandma, just to have even that shatter when I move to city school and get my first failing grade (in lithuanian language). Made me really rethink what defines me
• be amazed that in middle school it was safe in the class room, could just talk and have fun. Got some people into pokemon firered on gba emulator, we later talked about how it was going. One guy was really outgoing and he really didnt care, made a banner of pokemon one day and was running around with it in the halls saying its the best game ever. Was refreshing experience, since up until that point, expressing anything about yourself resulted in instant physical bullying, didn't know it was possible to like something "dorky" and not be ashamed of it
• get introduced to warcraft 3 by a friend, we play it via hamachi. He tells me stories of grubby and sky. I self groom into thinking if I play this game, maybe my life can be better
• study, do well, see nice and smart girls, crush on one for a bit. (this is 5th grade), its holiday season so class trip is planned. Forced to skip again, never went to single one because have no money. (In reality I never told my mom about any of them, because I felt shame to ask for any money when we are already struggling). Just to hear the stories from those class trips later, where all of those weird and aggressive classmates of mine had sex with the girls, shattering the illusion of innocent love
• Trying to visit my best friends house, just for him to block the door and keep me out for like 3 hours straight. I had to beg him to let me in, he eventually did. It was a normal house, not any worse than mine, but he was so ashamed of it, and wanted to hide that he is poor. Made me think that I have to be ashamed of my own situation too (had a whole in the ceiling, it still exists, just patched up a bit). This with combination of everyone always being ashamed of this house, made me feel shame for it too
• Hiding from my city classmates when waiting for bus, if they knew I take a bus to a village, they would isolate me. They already were makign fun of people from villages every day, and it was a struggle to fit in
• Sitting in school, just to see my 2 dogs escape from home and run to school to find me. Everyones scared that 2 huge dogs appeared near school, I just take them home and pet them
• Dodging wild dogs when trying to visit a friends place, them constantly trying to bite my ankles as I sprint by
• Spend whole day (morning till evening), playing ps1 action man game and beating it at said friends place. Was first time I had such a long game session and head hurt, had to sprint back home in darkness to dodge the dogs again
• Funnilly enough, that friends dogs were always aggressive towards me too, and I had to dodge them in his garden as well
• That one time "Crimsonland" game bugged out for me, on my 500mhz 64mb ram pc and it kept all the monster dead bodies alive on the screen without resetting. Made me feel so hype, I sprinted to friends place in the morning just to call him to see it. He didnt find it that impressive, but the joy I felt was incredible
• My sisters telling me they want a Dodge Viper in gran turismo before they went to school. I was not in school yet, spent all morning grinding basic races to save up money to buy it, and suprise them
• Playing hide and seek across whole town with sisters friends and bicycles. We used to play until midnight in summer, was so epic. So many kids were playing. This was before my sisters moved to city school along with many others
• feeling 0 energy and power, so irritated at 5pm, laying on a mountain of coal in the garage storage. So tired and hungry after school, yet Need to bring coal and start the furnace else Ill freeze. But its kind of a good memory, built character
• Playing cards and chess with grandma, watching tv together as she plays solitaire. Going to library together and see her pick up another spy romance novel, as I browse around various books. Skipping school to go to marketplace together and buy fresh produce, her rewarding me with a pastry with milk in the city
• My grandma tutoring me on math, I completley couldnt get it at one point for so long, that the rigtheous and just grandma of mine, even suggested I just memorize it all and "cheat" by just doing it without understanding it. Results over process
• Waking up, wanting a certain delicious dish, being told to go on a quest to pick berries so it can be made. Spend whole morning picking them and then enjoying the meal
• Waking up early, instantly getting up and riding the bicycle out. See that everyone is asleep, just roam around and eat apples
• Visiting a much older guys place (he used to talk to my dad about PC upgrade parts), and watching him play ps1. He was playing some hardcore jrpgs and beating them, which seemed insane to me, those games made no sense to me at the time, he looked like an absolute wizard. So cool
• One time a friend invited me to go and play football outside, as this older guy was visiting to consult with dad, I told friend to wait a bit, and me and this guy just played coop power rangers on ps1 for few hours lol. Friend was so pissed
• After school rushing to another friends place with other friend to watch Shaman king together. And later begging him to let us play vice city on his pc (he would sometimes force us to watch him play MU online, my hate for mmorpgs increased daily)
• Drawing on a tennis ball to make it look like a pokeball, and running around the forest with my dog pretending its a zigzagoon (she looked like it)
• me and my friend making a fort together all day, just to find a perfectly centered human shit in the middle of it next day

dunno and so much more, kind of a trip down memory lane, but is there a point to any of it? Maybe, theres definitely some trauma there from all the shame and guilt I was exposed to. I know I have trouble socializing , and some things really bother me when it comes to girls especially. Like a psychological trauma lol. No one will ever bother understanding it, so at least I gotta lay it out there so I don't forget its there, dont let it affect my judgement

Same with all the darkness. I am usually calm, but I know that deep down when really on the brink, I feel this deep rooted pain come out, especially if I feel made small by someone. Its ugly, and it makes me feel and say ugly things. Is what it is

if you keep wanting to message her, keep looking at her site, your own blog and so on, you ll never "move on"

And sure moving on sounds like a heartless thing to do, as if you are trying to prove to yourself, to the world, to her, that you did truly love her, hence you can't move on, you are not allowed to

but even if you do not, even if you message her and you talk and rekindle things, it will be past you + past her. And it will lead to the same outcomes, or at least a lot of hurt being brought back out

only way is to love yourself, do what is best for yourself, be positive force in the world. And if connection between you two happens again somehow, then look into the future, make it be a new thing. Learn about her from scratch, treat her as a new person. 

Reborn again

2024 vision map completed

time for new one

 

Its always sad that you never ended up telling me the date, and we always end up splitting up before it comes around

Happy birthday E