adsasd months of bs, time to just post it

 

Aries moods (literally me)

carrion

Just a pic

Killer ram vs little innocent sheep

balance this. I can only be either one. Never a mix. Not like I want to seek pity, but fall into it when I am feeling weak. Whats the use of it? I can take care of myself. Love self comes first

I lash out when I am in pain. Kind of abusive behavior. Drama queen. Wallow in pity and want attention. Unchecked behavior which I simply didn't notice. Update: Or rather chose to ignore, assuming its proper behavior. "If they care about me, they will get past my ugly side". Why make things so difficult for others to approach me? Why choose to hurt them by pushing them aside? Why choose to hurt myself by isolating? Why choose to hurt myself by allowing these toxic thoughts take reality? It doesn't make sense. A self defense mechanism that simply sucks, is ineffective and worst of all gross and abusive. 

Raw honesty with self, understanding, acceptance. A some sort of all encompassing spiritual hug of your own condition, is the solution

The more time passes the more I understand that I must love myself, and that I cannot and will not truly "change". I will always be myself, with all of my attributes. I will be selfish and self absorbed. Only thing I can change in order to be a "good person" (something I strife for), is to increase the scope of my greed. 

What does that mean? 

It means - the bigger my life, the bigger my aspirations, the more of the world becomes "mine" even when its not technically mine, the more I am myself and okay with whatever happens.

Example: If I am spending time with people, being supportive and helping them out. Sure I get tired, sure the whispers in the back of my mind will tell me that It would be great to get reciprocation, to get "something" back out of it. But that also defeats the purpose of simply being kind, it pollutes it and corrupts it, stops being genuine. (And I don't want to be that kind of person). But If I increase my scope to looking at the bigger picture of life, that it is great that I even got opportunity to be of help to someone, that life is so much bigger than some kind of immediate personal gain. That I can be a bigger person who thinks, feels, and is bigger than a small scope circle around me. Then it feels better. 

Its kind of a running trend of mine, to try to escape/go beyond boundaries of the circle I am in. Its kind of sad when people live in just one place forever (emotionally, mentally. Physically is less important). That is why reincarnation stories are so interesting, since imagine if someone else took over your body, or even you with 30+years more of experience. How different of a life that entity would live in your current shoes, how much change is truly possible, for better or for worse. All it takes is courage to think beyond. And thats something I can stand behind.

Am I lacking courage to think bigger? To be bigger? To greed for whats around me and try to fortrify myself with immediate gains, because thats all I amount to? Am I this weak? No I don't think so, I simply lose focus. Theres nothing blocking me, only myself.

Being self focused and living from within yourself is great, it comes with better understanding of self, but downside is becoming small and petty. Trying to safeguard the little resources that you have. Always remember this, never forget - You are so much bigger than this. Trust

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Also who the hell is visiting this blog. I set it to be visible again, and its getting several visit a day??? How is it even found