(shoutout to pintrest for helping find awesome pics)
Dead internet, lots of free time = going on nostalgia adventures on whatever places are still alive online. Twitch/warcraft 3 websites, 4chan and so on.
This results in various thoughts. Looking at people play wc3/sc2, thinking back on how I played and at same time comparing it to how I thought about my IRL and how I lived that. One common thing was - lack of patience, and how much it set me back in reality.
13-26 = stunted growth from all in risky play of doing esports professionally
26-30 = stunted growth from accumulating debts to all in gamble on crypto
31-present = stunted growth from all inning on spending everything and accumulating debts to real life to the max, helping people out
Today I cashed out all my crypto to pay for my debts, it didn't cover it all, but its a decent start. Having investments and crypto is not bad in its own right, but it is wrong if its the thing that has to "save you". You naturally get greedy with it, impatient and unclear on when to cash out, end up making mistakes and push yourself further into a corner, then risk even more, and go even deeper into the hole.
I've done the same decision countless times in various aspects of my life. Get impatient, risk, double down, risk, triple down, risk, quadra down, risk. Sometimes pay offs are great, but if you take the whole marathon of life, its always a significant negative effect.
If to simply live according to life rules, if to set up good foundations for myself, I would have been much stronger right now. Now I am at the point where I'd need a huge win just to get even. But this brings back a funny thought from teenage years a friend shared with me:
"Quitting is harder than continuing"
And it is so true in this instance as well. Just say fuck it, im done, I'll build back from -1, but at least with consistent methods, is so hard. It hits your ego, it hits you in the regret category, generally feels bad. But facing reality, cutting your losses and restarting fresh sounds refreshing as well. And don't business people always suggest this too? With sayings such as "your first few businesses will fail, so go ahead and fail away", with ideas like being agile and adapting quickly.
Knowledge/wisdom transcends mediums, is what I believe. Be it video game, be it business, be it human relations, doesn't matter. Can learn from anyone and anything, even a dog or a cat or an ant
Its important to acknowledge your tendencies and what weaknesses they might bring out. Mine is clearly impatience and instability. Always thinking/feeling that I must do something quickly, else I am falling behind, but this exactly is what makes me fall behind.
I used to wrestle with this idea a lot in the past, but its easy to lose track of it. It pretty much needs to be like a daily mantra to repeat to yourself for this to be of any help, as my natural way of acting is to lead myself to quick destruction. Like a moth to the flame
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This is kind of related to previous post. My life is in technically "bad place". I've stunted my growth, and now I live in a trash pile. In both physical realm, and in physical body.
But its all my own doing, and the outcome of my decisions. In some ways, the risky plays and ideas, gave me "hope", that as long as they work out, things will be okay. It gave me some sort of backbone, but also they were providing a reassurance to continue acting in a shit way.
"I can live in a trashpile, because if I win those esports tournamanets, my will will turn around"
"I can live in a trashpile, because if my crypto pumps up, my life will change"
"I can live in a trashpile, because if I get a girlfriend, my will will turn around" (lol, but relevant example)
"I can live in a trashpile, because if my game gets completed and is successful, everything will turn around"
etc.etc.etc.
Goals and risks, become crutches to continue allowing yourself to live in a trash pile.
But what if to reverse this, what if to challenge yourself to instead look at it as:
"Why risk, why do anything thats not solid, until my life isn't a trashpile in the first place?"
I could live a decent life, and then just do whatever I deem fit or desirable. It would free up so much anxiety and freedom/creativity in me, if my whole life didn't depend on success
Ofcourse as I say this, I know why it all started. It all started from the simple belief that I am not cut out for normal life, I cannot maintain a normal life, I hate normal life, and I must hustle something out right now, else I'll kill myself
Which turns out not to be true, seems like I can work as a programmer just fine and support myself.
¯\_༼ ಥ ‿ ಥ ༽_/¯
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