I think I've done too much and still fall back into the habit of trying to be liked by others. Doing what is expected of me, trying to find happiness in things that are not me
Life sort of does this to you, it conditions you to become a "person" in the society
Especially for the lost like me. You start trying to find answers outside of yourself, find examples to copy, live like an image of somebody/something. "Fake it till you make it"
Once again from fear of being abandoned and alone
In retrospect, so many things in life I've done were out fear. Cringe.
And whenever I tried to call upon real self, yes you get abandoned, yes you get told - "You lost your spark" "Old crowjam had grit, was a genius, was X, was Y, was Z"
But I am the real crow right now, why cannot you see me? This is who I was the whole time
To be honest, is to be okay with loss
To be free is to not fear loss
I could go and distract myself with activities right now, until my life gets busier again. Those activities will get me out, will make me meet people, and in turn I'll adapt a new mask, fitting to the environment I am in. Perhaps it will last long enough that it will convince myself that it is who I truly am
But to live, you need a good foundation within yourself. The most important place to be honest with, is yourself
Maybe its okay to settle down, to accept myself. To stop fearing that I am not enough, that I need to be more to have anything in life, to hold any value
Part of me wants to answer - You are a coward. You just want comfort of whats familiar
Its a dilemma. Burn yourself and change, cool yourself down - accept self. What is the correct choice?
Does it even exist?
Can only trust your gut feeling on this. What is your soul yearning for. Exploding your potential outwards or pulling yourself out of the depths of introvercy
Why not both?
Isn't it shallow to try to explode outwards and hope that the insides follow along and fall into places? Blind hope, optimism and luck?
Doesn't one follow the other?
As the classic saying goes: "Love yourself first, to be loved" (by life)
Accumulated global and left over knowledge of generations beforehand. There is always insight to have from sayings that seem to always be making a comeback. Others are coming to the same conclusions, it is not to be underestimated
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This isn't new coming from me. And thats okay. For change to happen I need to hit the same wall multiple of times, until its enough to shatter these walls and rebuild
Say it proud. This is me. I am 31 now, the way I lived until now wasn't an accident. This is me
I wanted to prove myself, I was confused doing various things, did things out of loneliness, wanted to be of value, some things were simply fun. Wanted to be creative, have fun, break the molds. Within me and in other things, in other people. Wanted freedom, wanted to rebel against my fate and where I come from. Failed, gotten up and tried again, failed again. Wanted to build something cool with my people. Failed, gotten up and done it again. Because that was within me the whole time. It still is
I live in a trash pile I built up myself. My fights all fizzled out. I get into deep depression paralysis and live in a hobo in times like these. Dig myself deeper and deeper. And thats okay. Thats how I heal, bury myself
Does it last too long sometimes? Yea, but thats okay
Who do I have to please anyway? This is just how I am, accept it
I've done some awesome and beautiful things in this life so far. Ahh there were some good times. And heres to more to come! 🍻
Done some shit I am not proud of. Mask putting, ass kissing, self killing, dishonest and shit ways of living
Less of those, more of others, what else is there to be said?
Ain't got shit now, but so what? I got myself I guess. I like myself. Would be awesome to have a friend like me in life
Anyway, bye
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