Reading
Watching
Gaming
Consuming
Rotting
Running away from life, all, but just different forms
Common thing between them: Staying indoors, not using your energy
Life is stagnant. Whether you read that manga, or not, nothing moved
Your impact, 0
You successfuly lulled yourself into quiet quitting your own life
Perhaps you felt like wanting to die, but at same time hoped to live somehow, so you chose the middle ground. Surviving, but not quite living
Perhaps you say such things as: What impact even is? I am creating XYZ, I am an influence just by existing
But deep down you feel like you are lying to yourself. You win the argument, but you lose the battle (for feeling alive)
So what does it mean?
I am here why?
Because I felt scared and retreated
Scared of what?
Of putting in effort, failing and how it might make me kill myself?
When you put it this way, sounds sad that I am allowing fear to control me. Disappointing
But what else can it be? I am just scared and tired. Tired of failure, scared of failing again. At same time tired of where I currently am, and in the end take the "easy way out" of just rotting
Hmm..
I've paralyzed myself with the thoughts of: "No matter what I am broke for next few months anyway" "No one really needs or wants me anyway, since I have nothing at the moment" and similar
I've taken the power away from myself, and this is the result
Rotting is just a consequence, an illness that I need to cure myself from
Medicine? Action, hope, short term + long term goals, yelling NANANNAA I CANT FUCKING HEAR YOU, to existential dread and demoralization attempts from demons within
Something like that I guess. Not like this is some kind of new information either. Its old news, but once again just need to remind myself. I can take charge, I can control this, I can live a good life. There is absolutely nothing about me that is lacking in factual way, its all made up bullshit and conditioning to stay poor and helpless forever. It will be different, because I will make it be different
Set plan in motion now, and go act on it. This isn't over
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