I am a weak little lamb
Just want to lay down in a little ball and die, be used for meat.
Eaten
That is how truly weak I am
So I pretend, I fake it, I try to resist it
I might even appear strong to someone for some time being
But its only matter of time until it comes out in some shape or form
I am a ticking time bomb
Sooner or later, It will all be vomitted out onto someone close to me. Its dangerous
I am dangerous to get close to
Especially if you see my strong/pretend side only
You might start feeling safe, you might start opening up to me
And then it will come out
It scares me, because I don't want to hurt others
I want to be close to someone, its so lonely
But I am dangerous to get close to. Do not trust me. I will betray your trust, I will crash at some point
Still. I don't want it to end this way
Being weak sucks, but at least I should accept it loudly and clearly
I should warn others of who I am
I also do not want to stay this way. If to live, I might as well try to resist this
Resistance, growth, being more than this
What is strength?
Question I ask myself all the time and explore the answers
I suppose I just need to live, truly live. Fight for the life. Warn everyone about who I truly am to avoid hurting them. Learn to deal with my weak episodes, practice techniques, not let it consume me as much.
That is all that I can do
Hey man, I used to love your site for the build orders and I just clicked on a 18 year old bookmark randomly. I never realised that you brought the site back up to blog about your struggles.
ReplyDeleteI was in a very similar situation as you've been describing on your posts.
It turned out i had undiagnosed ADHD all my life and it was my own machinery working against me without me knowing it.
Once i realised i wasn't a lazy loser destined to fail and suffer all my life, and that the last 35 years of my life wasn't a complete personal failure and a useless sack of meat, i started to feel some peace.
I don't know why i clicked this or why i'm writing this to you but if there is even 0,01% chance that helps, I had to do it. If you have the strength and will to get better try to get checked by a neurologist
God bless you man,
Take care of yourself
Thanks for all the years of awesome human build orders
hey man, thanks for the reply. Dont really expect any when blogging here lmao. Perhaps I should, but recently things been getting better in a way, or at least they feel like progress. Kind of stepping over the identity of failure that I've created for myself and just trying to love living. Viewing everything through that another perspective, is slowly healing everything else, or at least its giving me answers when I am in need of them
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